January 11, 2008

Electric light orchestra...

"Oh I double-dog dare you, little man."

Okay, I’m completely perplexed. Felicia and I are pretty good parents. We do everything in our power to make sure that little Micah lacks for nothing in the world. The little man dines on the choicest of delicacies. He is dressed in only the very finest of fabrics. Why, if I’d had only a quarter-portion of the benefits he’s enjoyed in his early years I’d probably be president today.

Along with all of the physical comforts we’ve tried to provide for we’ve also tried to stimulate his intellectual abilities to their fullest capacity. Spread out across the living room floor of our home is a vast selection of cleverly wrought devices (hand colored with only the highest quality of lead paints) designed by the most innovative minds at Fisher Price Toys. My I.Q. has increased by four points (And yes, both Wizards and Pepper that does indeed now make my I.Q. a whopping 4.5.) simply by spending time with Micah as he plays with them.

So, with all the advantages we’ve worked so hard to provide our son with there is one thing that has me completely perplexed. Why, with all the cornucopia of goodness that surrounds him in our home is he magnetically drawn to only one thing in the entire house? No matter where I set him down to play or what toys I give him to play with, he will perform one quick spin on the floor to survey his surroundings and then immediately start crawling towards the nearest electrical outlet. For the life of me I just can’t figure it out.

Is it something I’ve done? Is it me? Is it perhaps my blog and my over-the-top Liberal politics? Why does my son have this death wish? I know I’m a bit difficult at times, but I’ve never walked into a room to discover Felicia French-kissing one of the outlets. (She does however keep a quart of vodka and a rather large bottle of sleeping pills atop the nightstand on her side of the bed labeled, ”In Case of Emergency”.) I don’t get it; he just arrived on the planet. Do you think he knows I invested his college money in the stock market?

I’ve tried to reassure him in any manner of ways. I’ve told him we do change presidents every four years and Bush won’t be running the country for much longer. I’ve tried to let him know that God is not the hateful punitive ogre the Christian conservatives make him out to be. I’ve even tried to console him about the current state of music and entertainment. Nothing seems to work. Every time I set him down he makes a bee-line for the juice.

Are all children like this or am I just raising a future Goth kid? I wish he’d start talking so we could work through his obvious angst together.

Should I start him on sugar?

Thursday’s Market Numbers

DOW + 117.78

NASDAQ + 13.97

S&P + 11.20

I think I' m going to let Micah's college money ride a little longer. Come on Market, daddy needs new shoes...


Blogger Leighann said...

I'm so sorry but I have to tell you that I think my son has corrupted yours!

My son is a cord puller/chewer/biter and all around electronics freak!

If you find a cure for this addiction please share it with me!

January 11, 2008 11:35 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

ROFL I think it's the innate ability that each child is born with to know precisely what it is Mom & Dad don't want them to do (within their current physical ability range), and the drive is to make every attempt to do precisely that thing. Just you wait till he's 2 and wants to cross the street himself when going to the park. How about when he's 10 and knows y'all don't want him jumping off the roof. Or 14 and he knows that y'all aren't too fond of kids swiping the family vehical for a joyride. Or 16 and he knows that girls are out there just WAITING to be discovered (and y'all want him to go to college WITHOUT the concern of an unplanned child on the way). Oh yeah, the risks he's going to want to take, the things he's going to want to try..... The danger gets ever stronger with each passing year.

GOOD LUCK!!!! *grin & wink*

January 11, 2008 1:24 PM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Um... 4.6?

Maybe you could buy some extension cords, put furniture in front of the outlets, and let him play with the cords until he gets tired of it. Before you know it he'll move on to something entirely different, like turning on the gas burners on the stove.

Remember: They're born smarter than we are.

January 11, 2008 5:35 PM  
Blogger You can Call me AL said...

It's just the beginning!!
My wife and I would spend hours "childproofing" to discover we must be idiots, to have missed that.
You think you got it and then they learn to climb, WHOLE new level to childproof.

January 11, 2008 7:40 PM  
Blogger C-dell said...

check me out

January 12, 2008 2:31 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Oh yeah... it's all children. All Children indeed.

I remember Xmas 2006, after opening all the gifts, Cassie spent the morning running around the house with an empty diaer box on her head -- I mean screw Baby Einstein, Lamaze and like... just give her a cardboard box.

They always get into the one thing you'd either not expect, or the last thing you want them to touch.

Of course safety is important, but I can't help but laugh sometimes.

In fact, visit my page; I've posted something for you :)

January 12, 2008 7:11 AM  
Blogger ThursdayNext said...

My nephew is two with a photographic memory and already speaking in full sentences...he is also obsessed with the electrical outlet and even more obsessed with operating items like vaccums and coffee grinders once they are plugged in. :)

January 12, 2008 10:07 AM  
Blogger Aileen said...

Yes , it is all your fault. You are doomed with a future with a goth child who will hate you and blame you for all his faults.
Either that or he's teething and likes the feel of the extension cord on his gums. I think I'ld consider that possibility first.
I think the only thing you can do now is to move up to Holmes County with the Amish.

January 12, 2008 10:24 AM  
Blogger Pepper said...

Dirk it is not a death wish. Quite the opposite in fact. He is trying to scare you to death. They start early in life, doing small things - chewing on outlets and gnawing on plants. Then they work up to bigger and better things. Next thing you know you are handing them the car keys. Why do you think I turned prematurely grey? I had two boys and a girl. Ducks in the bathtub, snakes in the closet, Penthouse magazine hidden in the bathroom, sliding on boat ramps or into steel ramps, climbing trees, bringing a Rottweiler home. It is just something kids do. This is just a small detail, almost insignificant. Just wait until he do his first watoosie down the stairs or get his head stuck in a chair. Relax - drink some of the vodka and childproof your home which will work for a day. Micah is not stupid you know. My oldest son could unlock any door and any window by the age of three. That is why the police found him at 3:00 a.m. walking down the street with nothing on but a diaper. He is a prison guard now. Dirk, the fun is just beginning.

January 12, 2008 12:31 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

One more thing - my son and daughter found and captured 100 mating toads. They brought them home, turned them loose in the front yard, and brought me out to see them. It was their gift to me. Happy Belated Birthday Mom! Oh yeah the fun has begun.

January 12, 2008 12:33 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Just think of how much fun it's going to be once he is able to climb up on top of the washing machine and dive in while it's running!

That will be right after he find out that if he throws knives up in the air he can make the sharp pointy end stick in the ceiling. Well, most of the anyway. ;-)

And after that he will decide that it's time to see how far he can push that stray pitt bull in the yard before the dog has had enough.



Hey! Why all the tears dude? ;-)

January 12, 2008 1:39 PM  
Blogger DirkStar said...

Oh, now I understand why so many fathers can be found at the nudie bars...

Thanks, you all have filled me with the Joy of fatherhood now.

January 12, 2008 2:05 PM  
Blogger Janice Thomson said...

When my son was 2 he found a hairpin (boy that dates me now doesn't it) and shoved it in the socket while I was answering the door. There was a big pop and some smoke and that was it. I was horrified but he didn't seem to have felt anything nor did he even cry. It seems no matter how careful you are kids find a way. Ah yes the joys of parenting...yes I remember that now LOL.

January 12, 2008 9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh toughen up boy, it gets more intersting.

January 13, 2008 12:48 PM  
Blogger TutleyMutley said...

What a shocking tale.

January 18, 2008 7:09 AM  

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