December 2, 2006

What are that wizard and gnome up to?

Breaking ground.

Now, just what is up with that wizard and gnome, and just what exactly was in that mushroom they gave me?

I'm starting to see colors and everything is getting all psychedelic looking...

Can you see it? No?

I'm telling you, something strange is happening...

Everything is spinning.


Change is in the wind, I can feel it...

And why is nobody clicking on the Christmas images in my last post to find the goodies Santa left for everyone?

C'mon people!

(Man, that mushroom is making me see some wierd things...)

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December 1, 2006

Every time a bell rings...

It really is a wonderful life.

Last night I journeyed through cyberspace doing a little reconnaissance work for Santa. He’d asked if I could help determine who’s been naughty and who’s been nice this year. As I traveled from blog top to blog top, I couldn’t help but notice how so many of my friends seem to be going through some trying times right now.

Some of the people I visited seemed to be suffering from the burden of old wounds while others were sagging beneath the weight of daily pressures. Now and again it was a loneliness that cried out and echoed in the Ethernet. It was a melancholy night and my heart ached when I returned to Santa. When I told him of my evening’s journey his eyes twinkled but it was not because he smiled.

“I think it is time to put up the tree.” I said.

“Perhaps you are right.” He sighed.

As I worked on the tree I tried to think of presents I could give that would cheer up my friends, return smiles to their faces and put a carol in their hearts. Alas, I am a poor man and I just couldn’t think of anything to buy that I could share with everyone. By the time I'd finished putting up the lights and hanging the last ornament I was crestfallen.

“Don’t look so forlorn, Dirk_Star.” Santa said with a smile, “I’ve given this some thought and I think I‘ve an idea.” As we stood beneath the stars, bathed in the soft glow of Christmas lights, he explained his simple plan and how it could work in just one single night.

His plan was pure genius and the idea so bright that my spirits were buoyed and my heart filled with light. He laughed and I cried then I ran to his sled and prepared to take flight.

There is so much to be done.

This season is long and there are twenty four more days to go until Christmas. There’s shopping to do and I know it’s no fun. There’s cleaning and baking and no time to get it done. The kids are no help and dad is all thumbs. It comes down to the angels to make sure all is done.

Now, all of you angels, and you know who you are, be you male or female or somewhere in between. Santa knows that you're tired and your burdens are hard. He knows some are lonely and heavy of heart. But Santa really needs us, we've an important job to do because everyone needs an angel and that angel just might be you.

We saw you struggling and toiling so hard we thought wings could help you so here's what we'll do. It's been said that every time a bell rings an angel gets its it wings. Well, I'm going to start ringing, all day and all night and I 'm not gonna stop until the holidays are over and wings are completly out of stock.

God bless the angels,
each and every one of you.

I envy everyone with children this year. You see, it won't be until next Christmas that my wife and I will share this joyful season with our new child.

I can't wait to be her angel...

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November 30, 2006

Lord of the Blog!

A celebration of love.

Announcer: Give a warm welcome to one of Hollywood's great film makers, Stephen Spielberg!

Thank you ladies and gentleman of the Academy for the huge turnout this evening. Before we reach the finale of tonight’s festivities and announce the winner of this afternoons “Blog of the Day Award” I’d like to take a couple of moments to say a few words about a special man.

Now, I’ve been in the blogging industry for many years. I’ve seen them come and I’ve seen them go; I believe I can safely say that rarely does a presence come along that blazes across the heavens of cyberspace as strongly as the legend we've all come to know and love as, the Dirk_Star.

I remember the first day he entered the blogosphere. He was young, brash and cocky. He was rough around the edges and yet, there was something about his style that caught my eye. He was funny. He always seemed to lift up the spirits of those who blogged around him. He made posting fun again. I knew it was a gift that few are born with and that's why I took him under my wing.

Over the next several weeks, Dirk_Star was like a mosquito buzzing around my head. His questions were unending. Is this, should I, can I, what if... There were days I just wanted to swat the insect and be done with his never ending silliness. Then, as the genius of this jovial philosopher unfolded before my eyes I couldn't help but lend whatever support I could to his endeavors. As we all know only too well, he makes us laugh. He deserves this award. So with out further delay, please welcome warmly, Mr. Dirk_Star!


Announcer: Unfortunately, pressing business at Mrs. Wong's All Night Sake and Massage Palace has prevented Mr. Dirk_Star from being here with us this evening. Accepting the award on his behalf is the enchanting star of screen and cinema, the talented, the lovely, the "Sweet Tea of late night" herself, Mrs. Meander.

Muted Applause...

Ms. Meander!

Thank you all so very much for the warm welcome. Mr. Dirk_Star is very disappointed that he couldn't be here in person tonight to accept this very important award. He wanted me to let everyone know that this one is special because it is about the children. They are the backbone of this Blog, often toiling countless hours into the night to keep this site up and running. Working for little to no pay and often having nowhere to sleep save for the cots located in the backroom of the sweat shop...

Sound of orchestra coming up in the background...

Cut to commercial featuring stay free maxi pads.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen; you've been a lovely audience!

Goodnight everybody!

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November 29, 2006

Let's get this party started!

So, in the course of my humanitarian efforts yesterday, a couple of issues were raised concerning my ability to attract viewers with a little display of skin. An individual I thought to be my friend, but who shall now remain forever, Nameless, insinuated that I was somehow less than appealing to the human eye.

How dare you, sir!

The Facts!

(1.) I am now and always have been considered to be a Hottie.

(2.) In fact, there are only two other True Hotties in the world: cinderella and ~deb-and they both email me Christmas greetings!

(3.) My friend, the wizened wizard, has strongly encouraged me to show some skin, even though I have been reticent to do so for fear of the unfair advantage it would give me in attracting new viewers to my blog.

(4.) Even in the throes of her deepest green delirium, Meander spoke the truth when she said,” i think if dirk put on a thong that he would have way more readers than me!” Yes, that is a direct quote! (What do you have to say now, Nameless one?)

(5.) Simple human compassion kept me from using the titillation of my undeniable physical attributes. All I ever wanted to do was to entertain with the deep waters of my intellect rather than the shallow springs of my God given masculine adorableness

Without further adieu, let’s get this party started!

"Look What I Can Do!"

Oh yeah, you don’t think I haven’t been killing audiences with this routine for years? Young, old, grandma or grandpa; I’ve seen them on their feet cheering, clapping and begging for more!

Star quality, baby. You’ve either got it or you don’t.

Clearly, I’ve got it...

What do you say now, Nameless one?

Wait, don’t answer yet, there’s more.

"Oh, was I naughty?"

When I turned on the sultry charm no one could resist me!

Every door opened up to the wonder of me.

There was no childrens party to which I was not invited.

(I still use that pose today and yes, it still works like a charm...)

Tomorrow, the world...

Oh you people have no idea how long I’ve waited and planned for this day to come. I have big plans for all of you. Now, I am going to turn off the Hypno-Ray (on loan from Aquaman.) so that you may return to your cubicles for the purpose of sleeping. You will need your rest for what begins tomorrow...

I tried to be caring and compassionate, but "Mr. You Know Who" would not allow it.

Oh no, he didn't think I was pretty!

You all have him to thank for this...

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November 28, 2006

Blog salad surgery

"Damn it, Jim! I'm a blogger, not a brain surgeon!"

Oh the humanity!

Friends, Romans, Bloggers; Lend me your ears.

I simply can not endure the unrelenting suffering of a poor tortured soul whose wailings have crossed the Internet to fall upon my sensitive and caring blog.

I hear her cries of anguish and my heart is rent in twain and torn from my aching breast.

"It's okay, we're here to help you."

“It’s alright, Meander. We’re going to give you a little something for the pain. You’re going to be out for a short while, but when you wake up it will all be better.” Now, begin counting backwards from one hundred.

For the love of God, you people have to help me!

I’ve never lost one yet and I don’t plan on letting this one slip away.

You must drop whatever you’re doing right now and rush to Meander's aid!

She needs an infusion of our love. She has lost her way in the blogosphere and is languishing in a near fatal state of the deadly green virus.

Please, for her sake, ignore my blog today and go to this gentle creature’s rescue. Leave her a comment and let her know how much we care.

I ask so little of my visitors...

Do this one thing for me.

Ignore me today. This sweet soul needs you so much more right now.

Thank you.

You are a kind and gentle people...

Now go to her.

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November 27, 2006

Moving on up...

"Good bye city life."

Thanks to everyone for the kind comments. Because of all the visitors to my humble site my wife and I have become celebrities here at the local library. You would not believe the crowd that gathers around my terminal each day as I conduct my internet affairs. Folks around these parts are pretty excited about being on the map so to speak.

The notoriety that’s been generated by my blog has made our daily survival solicitations out on Main St. much easier. (Everyone wants to be part of a success story!) Donations are up considerably and as of yesterday we are now living the better life we've been dreaming of for the past five years.

"Be it ever so humble..."

This is our old efficiency apartment. We moved in here after the telemarketing firm I worked for moved out of town to India and did not offer to relocate us. Yes, it was hard times for awhile. Losing six dollars an hour puts a real hurt on a family’s standard of living.

Thankfully, I listened to the words of President Bush and began taking a computer class offered through our local Salvation Army center. It was there I learned about important computer concepts like, Windows 95, Word, and Internet browsing. I am still trying to figure out how all those hot shaved teen Asian girls are getting my email address. And, why are they so interested in an old geezer like me?

"A little slice of surburbia."

Now look at the two of us living in the wonderful land of milk and honey! Life is a whole lot better in suburbia. It is so nice to have access to bath and toilet facilities that are not attached to a gas station. This is a lot more sanitary, and the other day when I was taking a bath I found an old tire. I plan on turning it into a swing for our new baby to play on when he is born.

"Domestic bliss!"

Yes, the wife sure is happy living in the big new house. It is nice sleeping together again instead of one us in the front seat and the other in the back seat. It looks like once we get the battery charged we will have electricity too! Who would have ever imagined how much an introductory computer class could improve a life? I would listen to our president if I were you.

Well, I would love to tell you more about the exciting changes taking place in our lives but I've got to go and find my wife. I have not seen her since she left for her morning bath. I think she is getting spoiled with all these luxuries...

"Now, where did that woman get off to?"

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