Alright, I’m a little surprised by the vehemence in some of the emails I’ve received concerning my January 3rd post about my diapering techniques. Yes, I admit it, I’m new to the whole daddy thing, but I’m doing the very best I can and if anyone has any suggestions, I’m willing to take them under advisement and do my best to upgrade my parenting skills. With that said, I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to a couple of the emails that took me to task for being an uncaring father.
Trailer Gurl in Festering Sore, Arkansas wrote: Dear Mr. DorkStar: I can’t believe what a lazy father you are! Even my husband has the decency to go outside and hose down the baby after the diaper falls off. You are probably too busy sucking down your double Mocha Latte snooty Espresso coffee to show the slightest genuine iota of caring towards your son.
Dear Trailer Gurl: First off, I am lactose intolerant and simply cannot drink Lattes. Felicia is insistent about this and says, “If I’d wanted a house run on gas I wouldn’t have installed all the electrical appliances.” As for being too lazy to hose down my son once his diaper has fallen off in the yard you have sorely underestimated my attention to details in perfecting my diapering technique. You see, it has been a bitterly cold winter here in Ohio and it has been my experience that every time I hosed the boy down from the comfort of my back porch he became encased in a block of ice and froze solid to the ground. The dogs just couldn’t pick him up and return him to the warmth and safety of the house. As a caring father I just couldn’t continue leaving him outside like that until his momma got home from work.
Granola Mom in Mother Earth, California wrote: Dear DickStare: It is because of dung-hole fathers like yourself that our planet is in the shape it is today. Have you no consideration of the planet at all? If you weren’t so busy sitting on your sofa, sipping your Highlander Grog coffee and reading Cigar Quarterly magazine while polluting your mind with Rush Limbaugh on the radio you wouldn’t be wasting God’s precious gift in your little one’s diapers. Don’t you realize how easily recycled your baby’s poop is? House plants are a wonderful way of recycling baby poo-poo and as an extra bonus they fill the home with fresh oxygen. Surely you want your baby breathing clean air.
Dear Granola Mom: First off, you clearly are not a regular reader of my blog or you’d know that I would never expose my son to the toxic ruminations of Rush Limbaugh. I’d like my son to grow up with a healthy and poison free mind. I did run your house plant idea by Felicia and once she stopped laughing at me she sent me to the computer and had me type out one thousand times; I will not take advice from bloggers on the Internet. Yeah, it took me all night to do it too. Thanks, not!
Jeez, you people act like I’ m Brittney spears or something...