December 31, 2007

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

The yuletide holiday has been pulled down, put in boxes and put away until next year. Only moments remain in 2007 and I hope they are filled with merriment for all of my blogger friends across the world. Felicia and I will be bringing in the New Year with Micah. It will prove to be an evening free of lead contaminants, drunks, Neocons, illegal aliens and Christian conservatives. Oh, sweet serenity.

Did you have a good Christmas? It was a fine one here in the Bauman home, filled with lots of goodies under the tree and a warm and loving spirit in our hearts. My favorite gift from Felicia was a camcorder the size of a pack of cigarettes called Flip Video. Within minutes of unwrapping it I was taking videos of Micah. It is easy to use and connects with both the television and computer so I can post them to my blog. How cool is that?

Our trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee was fun and Micah seemed to have a good time too. It was fairly crowded and at times it was a bit difficult to maneuver through all the people walking through the strip but we still had a good time shopping and eating at some fun restaurants. The weather could have been more cooperative, but again, we worked around it just fine.

It has certainly been an interesting year for Felicia and I and I’m sure we’ll have our fair share of adventures and learning experiences. I’m sure most of them will wind up as posts of one sort or another. Speaking of learning opportunities...

Spending a week with Pepper and her mother Jane was one of the best times of my entire year. Truly I mean it when I say they are two of the most incredible women I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Several days after they departed for adventures further on down the line I began to experience a spiritual malaise. For weeks and then months I felt as if something had been taken from me and I was spiritually wounded. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me and for the life of me I couldn’t put a name to the aching in my soul.

I couldn’t blog. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t leave the house. I took care of my son and that was about the full extent of my life. It was as deep a funk as I’ve ever dealt with in all my fifty plus years. Then one night the answer began to percolate in my mind and at long last bubbled forth into my consciousness

The epiphany I’d been refusing to accept was that I found myself filled with a terrible jealous envy of Pepper and Jane. I was shocked...

All of my life I have journeyed with the wind. Whenever the breezes have beckoned I have hoisted my sails and traveled wherever whim or fancy has called me. I’ve always had the option of leaving wherever I am for some other adventure. Even in my marriage Felicia has always left me the option of moving on if I’m not happy. I have lived free and unfettered for a very long time. All that ended when the little man entered my life. My journeys with the wind ended with his birth and it wasn’t until I ran wild with Pepper and Jane for a week that the realization of it truly dawned upon me.

Don’t get me wrong. Yes, the option of running with the wind is a wonderful freedom, but Micah is not something I can ever leave behind. No option exists, he is my son and I have no choice but to love him and spend as much time as I have remaining to me loving him and preparing him, as best I can, for his journey with the wind. I have no regrets about losing my options. I just had to grieve a bit for something lost that had been an important part of my identity for a long time.

Fatherhood and being a husband to Felicia are the best experiences of my entire life. Period. Love and a son are more than ample compensation for the loss of a little freedom. I can let go of the wind...

My dad died Christmas Day leaving me as the oldest living survivor in the Bauman family. I find myself this New Year’s Eve thinking more about time than any illusion of freedom. Will I have enough time to spend with my son? Will I have enough time as the patriarch of the Bauman family to mend old wounds and heal broken familial ties? Will I have enough time for Felicia’s love to bear fruit and bring forth the best in me she sees but which I still have trouble believing exists in my broken soul?


A word I thought I’d never understand let alone experience.

It is the greatest freedom a man can ever know.

Thank you, everyone for reading my blog. I know that I anger people sometimes. I know I perplex people sometimes. I’m just an enigma trying to make sense of things and sometimes my frustration gets the best of me.

Happy New Year, everybody. I hope we all find the time we need this year to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us and how much we love having them to share our lives with.


Blogger Claudia said...

Happy New years to you and yours.

January 01, 2008 1:19 AM  
Blogger Matt-Man said...

Happy New Year to you. I came here via Cynical Bastard. I hope 2008 allows you to experience the freedom that you desire, no matter in what form or forms it takes. Cheers!!

January 01, 2008 9:01 AM  
Blogger Tanie said...

I hope you all enjoy the journey of 2008.

January 01, 2008 10:34 AM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

Happy New Year~! Yes, the freedom thing is hard with a family, I struggle with that too. I try (and even get it right some time) to be free with them.

January 01, 2008 1:53 PM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

Hi Dirk_Star: I hope you had a very nice New Year's Eve and that 2008 is a happy and healthy one for you and your family.

I like your description of your planned New Year's Eve and what it will be free of. I hope it was!

Oh, yes, I changed the URL to my blog about a month ago -- "notes" became "arcana" -- but I forgot to tell all my regular blogger buddies. My apologies. You can get to the new page via the name/profile link accompanying this comment.

January 01, 2008 7:38 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

Happy New Year, Dirk, Felicia & Micah!!!! Maybe you can't pick up & leave on a permanent basis, but now you have family to share the adventure of shorter trips with. You've got a son who'll learn to see the world both through your experiences together & in ways that he'll get to share with you. It's certainly not an end to your adventures, just a new way of going about them. And I hope you have the pleasure of many, many more adventures whether alone or with your family.

January 01, 2008 8:16 PM  
Blogger Smalltown RN said...

Well here's to a wonderful 2008 and all new beginnings....cheers!

January 01, 2008 10:05 PM  
Blogger r. kelly ripafart said...

hippy new year, dirk!

January 02, 2008 1:03 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

"I have no regrets about losing my options. I just had to grieve a bit for something lost that had been an important part of my identity for a long time."

You have spoken the unspeakable! I wonder if all we fathers (and mothers) feel this and can't quite pin it down as you have.

"Fatherhood and being a husband to Felicia are the best experiences of my entire life."

Nice save!

January 02, 2008 11:52 AM  

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