November 11, 2006

Diary of Anne Dirk - Continued

November 10, 2006 (Post election, Amerika)

Dear Diary

There is a small hole in the wall of the attic where my family and I have lived in hiding since Adolf Chaney and the corporate death squads came to our town. During the day when people are at work in the blog below us, I sit in a chair and watch the coming and goings of what small portion of the world remains to me.

Terrible things are happening in my town. Squads of deadly S.S. Neocon troopers are stopping people everywhere and asking for their papers. They are checking for party affiliation. People like me are being rounded up and made to wear a bright blue L on the front of their jackets. We are hated for who we are...

At night we can hear the engines of the allied Liberal bombers as they make their way towards the Republican strongholds of Senate and Congress. The earth quakes under the assault of Kennedy rockets and Pelosi cluster bombs. Can they root the asses-of-evil from their Washington fortresses before our small town is destroyed?

I am just a tiny adolescent girl; does God hear the prayers of liberal children? Even if the allied forces of the Democratic Army arrive too late to save my family and myself, I pray they make life better for future generations.

Yours Truly

Anne Dirk

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November 10, 2006

The Diary of Anne Dirk

Didn’t I tell you folks to pretend we didn’t know each other?

I’m in hiding, people...

I am officially changing the name of this blog to, “The Diary of Anne Dirk.”

November 9, 2006 (Post election, Amerika)

Dear Diary

Even now the sound of goose-stepping-corporate-death-squads fills my adolescent heart with dread. I hear their heels pounding on the cobblestones of the street below and I am filled with dread. Who will the minions of Adolf Chaney ferret out and hang next? Yesterday it was the Hussein family. I can’t believe they’re gone...

I must go now. The light of day is fading fast and we can light not even a single candle against the darkness for fear of discovery.

Yours truly

Anne Dirk

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Once Upon a Time...

“Mommy, what’s a Neocon?”

“Why, little Susie, where did you learn that word?”

“At recess today, momma! Tiffany said that her daddy is a Neocon and that they rule the world.”

“Well how did that make you feel, honey?”

“It made me feel a little scared cause Tiffany is awful mean to the little ones and she’s always bossing everybody around and telling us how to act.”

“Oh, come here, angel and sit on mommies lap. Now, let me tell you all about the Neocons and where they come from. Now, Neocons start out as good little boys and girls, just like you. But the Neocon children are born to parents of the very rich. Because of this they are very spoiled and everything is always handed to them on silver platters.”

“Oh, momma, that sounds just like a fairy tale!”

“Well, you would think so, but because they’ve always had everything handed to them, they haven’t learned how to use their minds very well.”

“Are Neocons dumb, momma?”

“They aren’t as smart as my precious Susie.”

“Then why does Tiffany say they rule the world?”

“You see, Susie, what happens is that as the children of the Neocons grow up and begin to become young adults, their parents begin preparing them for their future in a land called The Elite.”

“That sounds funny! What is the land of Elite, momma?”

“Well, sweetie, The Land of Elite is where the Neocon children grow up with the mistaken belief that simply because they were born into money, they are entitled to anything and everything without having to do anything for it.”

“That sounds kinda selfish to me, momma. Don’t the Neocons believe in sharing?”

“That’s one of the weaknesses of the Neocons, honey. They aren’t very good at thinking of anything other than their own selves. They are really good at taking, but really bad at giving.”

“That sure sounds a lot like, Tiffany!”

“Now, as the Neocon children are preparing to become captains of industry and ladies of society, they are sent to special churches where they learn dangerous principles like “Manifest Destiny” and “The Will of God.””

“Mamma, what is Manifest Destiny?”

“Well, Susie, Manifest Destiny is the belief that it’s preordained by God for the more powerful to invade the land of the weaker and take their resources for their own.”

“But isn’t God good, mommy?”

Well, normally yes, but when you put big ideas like Manifest Destiny and Preordination into underdeveloped and selfish minds, bad things are bound to happen.”

“I don’t think I wanna be a Neocon, mommy.”

“Don’t worry, honey, you have a good mind. Your brain is big and strong because you work for things. You’ll never turn into a Neocon.”

“Now, because the Neocons never have any friends, other than the children of other Neocon parents, they never learn how to interact with real people. So not only do the Neocons have small minds, but they have terrible social skills too.

That’s why their mommies and daddies send them to big schools with important sounding names like, Harvard and Yale. These schools award special diplomas with fancy sounding degrees on them to not very smart people, like George W. Bush, in exchange for large sums of money for the building of things like memorial libraries.

“Now, once the small minded children, spoiled rich and filled with a false sense of entitlement, are grown up and armed with the principles of Manifest Destiny and Preordination, they enter The Land of The Elite with their diplomas of pomposity and begin to accumulate the wealth of the world unto themselves.”

“Isn’t there any way to stop them, mama?”

“Yes there is, honey. Thankfully, there aren’t very many of the Neocons but there are a lot more good-hearted common people just like you and me. Every time the Neocons get out of control and are eating up everything in the world a wonderful thing happens.”

“What happens, mommy?”

“Well, all the good people in the land of America rise up in one voice and vote the sorry-sons-a-bitches out of their positions of power and boot their sorry asses to the curb! Just like what happened this past Tuesday.”


“I know, honey, mommy shouldn’t talk like that but sometimes you just have to tell it like it is.”

“Now off to bed with you, and in the morning when you get to school, tell little Tiffany to kiss your perky-little-butt.”

And everyone, including little Susie lived happily ever after....

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November 9, 2006

Quick, Run For Your Lives!

S-h-h-h-h... I can only stay here for a moment.

I think we went too far, man. The corporate masters are really angry. Gasoline went up thirty cents a gallon today in Ohio.

Fox News is parading corporate executives, one right after the other on their news shows and all of them are saying they’re going to have to lay more of us off because of the increase in minimum wage. They’re going to take our jobs!

They’re going to raise prices on goods and services!

They're going to take away our benefits!


What was I thinking when I voted? What were we all thinking?


Okay, I’m leaving now. If you need to find me, I’ll be hiding in a secret-porno-chat-room.

The Conservatives will never think to look for me in there.

(The straight ones at least.)

You can find the link on this page, but don’t tell anyone else!

I suggest we all stay out of the Corporate Master’s way until they simmer down a little.

(Pretend you don’t know me if our paths cross in public....)

S-h-h-h-h-h... Get out of here. Use the back door...

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November 8, 2006

A Clear Case of Voter Interference

Okay, so I woke up yesterday morning after a long night of blogging and began the day as I always do. Those of you who have read my previous entries know about my usual breakfast of cable news flakes, so let me just say that I blogged, showered and shaved. As I put on my finest Tuesday-go-to-voting suit I was quivering with anticipation.

Voting is such a wonderful part of the American experience, even with all of the new identification requirements and new-fangled voting apparatus'.

At last, my lunch packed and a paperback novel in my jacket pocket, (in case of long lines at the polling stations) I prepared to exit the house and venture forth into the fray of democracy in action. That’s when it happened...

As I patted down my pockets to make sure I’d forgotten nothing of importance I couldn’t find my wallet. I quickly retraced my steps searching first the kitchen, then the living-room and finally heading back upstairs to look in the bathroom and bedroom. Nothing, it was as if my wallet had simply vanished into thin air. I looked at the nightstand, where I always put my wallet at days end and was dismayed to see nothing but spare change and my watch.

I began to think of where my wallet could possibly have gotten to when suddenly it dawned on me; Evil Republicans had slipped into my home during the night and stolen my billfold. There simply could be no other explanation! Those bastards! How was I going to vote without proper identification? My democratic voice was about to go unheard! Those wily conservatives would stop at nothing to prevent my participation in the voting process. What was I to do?

With only eight-and-a-half hours of voting time remaining I knew that I had to take action and take it quick. Reaching for the phone I did the only thing I could think of; I called C.N.N. and asked for the voter interference hotline. The phone call went something like this...

“C.N.N. voter interference hotline how may I help you?”

“Yes, I‘d like to report an incidence of voter interference, please.”

“What state are you calling from, sir?”

“I’m calling from Ohio.”

“Did you say Ohio, sir?”

“You heard me correctly, I did indeed say, Ohio.”

“We were expecting this, sir and are prepared to help in any way we can. Please hold while I connect you with one of our legal advisors.”

“Harold J. Weinberger here, how may I help you, Mr. Bauman?”

“Yes, I’d like to report an incident of blatant interference with my right to vote.”

“This is in the state of, Ohio?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Go ahead and tell me what happened, Mr. Bauman. Do you mind if I take notes?”

Well, I proceeded to tell Mr. Weinberger how I always began every day the exact same way and what a creature of habit I am. I told him about my cable-news-flake-breakfast and my regular blog movement afterwards each and every morning. I told him about waking up, showering and shaving in preparation of going out into the world that very day to participate in the great American process of voting.

“That’s when it happened.”

“What exactly did happen, Mr. Bauman?”

“I discovered that my wallet was missing.”

“Uh, come again, sir?”

“My wallet is missing. I believe republicans have invaded my house during the night and stolen my billfold in an effort to prevent me from voting for the democrats of my choice.”

“Have you spoken to your wife, sir?”

“Are you implying my wife had something to do with this atrocity?”

“Mr. Bauman, we have serious incidents of voter interference to deal with here.”

“I can’t vote without proper identification. Are you saying my vote is of no significance?”

“I’m not saying that at all, Mr. Bauman. I’m simply suggesting that your wife maybe able to shed some light on where your wallet is waiting to be found.”

“I don’t think you understand the severity of my situation, sir.”

“No, sir, I believe I do.” And then he hung up the phone...

The conspiracy appeared to be much larger than I had first imagined.

At that point, fearing that Evil Republicans might in fact still be hiding in my house, I walked quietly to the armoire where I keep my gun. I opened the door on its front and when I looked inside, what do you think I saw? That’s right; exactly where I always place my watch at the end of a day, as if it had been sitting there the entire time, sat my wallet. Chills ran up and down the entire length of my spine. Perhaps the legal advisor I’d talked to had known something after all. The full scope of the nightmare conspiracy finally hit me.

Maybe my wife had more to do with this incident than I would have ever believed possible...

The End?

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The Blue Wave of Reason...

Can you hear it, the roaring across the land? A tsunami of change is washing across America. The blue wave is churning and the Democrats are winning seat after seat in the house and senate. We the people of this country have spoken loud and clear. The Republican Party has had six years of complete control of our government. There has been a Republican President, a Republican senate and a Republican house. What did they accomplish while holding the reins of such Power? Nothing...

The party is over! We were not fooled by smear campaigns. We were not fooled by rhetoric. We decided that it is better to live with the homosexual in our midst than the Republicans and their culture of corruption. We have decided to look forward to the future of stem cell research rather than backwards to a dark age of religious fear and intolerance. We made the decision to follow our conscious.

What now Mr. Bush? Your playground puppets are gone. By evening's end your party may have lost both the house and the senate. The head has lost the body of cronies that supported it. Is Karl Rove holding your hand tonight? See what happens when you make pacts with the devil?

What happened to your power base of Christian Conservatives? We, the people of America, who think with independent and reasoning minds, rose up in numbers you never saw coming and washed your zealot army away.

We, the people, remember us? We have decided that we can not sit idle and watch in horror the nightmare of your stupidity any longer. We have stripped away the mechanism of your power and for the next two years your ability to harm our nation and its people has been put in check. We can sleep soundly tonight; a major source of terror has been dealt with. The world is now a safer place...

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November 6, 2006

Election Day Predictions...

At eight-forty-five Tuesday morning a devastating terrorist action will occur in a major American city. President Bush will appear on television at ten fifty-five and inform the nation that elections have been temporarily suspended for two days.

Thursday evening, George W. Bush will address the country and in a speech filled with terror-inducing-half-truths will postpone elections indefinitely.

One week later, President Bush will declare a state of emergency and suspend the congress of the United States of America.

One year later, our nation’s capitol will have been relocated to a ranch in Crawford, Texas. Democracy will be over as we know it...

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Turning Over a New Leaf...

That’s it, I surrender to the truth. What could I have possibly have been thinking? Thank goodness I’ve seen the light and know in my heart of hearts what I must now do. I’m giving up the misguided liberal ideals that have kept me enslaved to the Democratic way and I’m turning Republican.

Yes, I know that comes as quite a shock to some of you, but I’m tired of being on the outside of righteousness looking in. I’ve been led astray by the likes of faker Michael J. Fox, when I should have been listening to the clear-God fearing-voice-of-reason, Rush Limbaugh. I should have been paying attention to Ted Haggard and Republican Congressman Mark Foley.

Why have I wasted my vote the past two presidential elections following my conscious when I could have been participating in the Bush agenda of fear? I should have supported the war in Iraq regardless of the lies justifying an illegal occupation. I should have welcomed the wire tapping of American phones that keeps us safe from terrorism. Why was I blind to the benefits of the Patriot Act? Praise God, its not too late!

Realizing how ignorant I am of Republican doctrines and principles I have determined to follow the examples of prominent Republican figures. Last night, before going to bed, I turned off both my brain and my sense of liberal morality. Upon waking this morning I took down the green flag of ecology hanging from the pole on my front porch and replaced it with the Stars and Stripes of nationalistic pride. Neighbors stood on their lawns clapping and cheering me on. It felt good to be a part of something...

Tomorrow night I plan on inviting one of the neighborhood boys over for a candle-lit dinner of dolphin slow-cooked over sequoia. I’m hoping we’ll be able to purchase an experimental amount of crystal meth in the parking lot of a local Pentecostal establishment before heading back to my place for a little bit of family valuing I like to think of as "child rearing". (Gosh, I hope he likes Ronald Reagan movies...)

I must admit to feeling a bit creepy about some of the new changes in my life, however, if this is what it takes to bring me closer to God and make me a better American, then I will suffer through the adjustment period. Give me guidance Karl Rove; please be the beacon of strength and wisdom to me as you have been to George W. Bush.

I must not lose focus of the holy mantra, Om... stem cell research... Om... Homosexual marriage...

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Today, at the bookstore, I was looking through the magazine section for conservative reading materials. I kept reaching out for the Republican Review, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pick it up for fear someone would think I was gay. Oh, if only I had the strength of Dick Chaney and could shoot my left-wing-doubts in the face.

Help me dear readers, help me in my new Republican walk towards the holy light of conservative obedience. Lord, I want to be your Neocon.

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