July 6, 2007

We are the world...

Don't worry Al, I figured out a way to help!

Recently I have received a number of emails that have placed me in somewhat of a quandary. As regular readers of my blog have come to realize over the year, I am a deeply compassionate individual, and whenever one of my fellow beings reaches out and asks for my assistance I am quick to offer whatever aid it is within my humble powers to provide. I do not require anything in return nor do I ask for compensation from those I have been fortunate enough to assist in their journey towards our mutually assured final destination point in heaven.

Therein rests the kernel of my current dilemma. Truly, it is nothing more than any other lowly servant in the service of the Almighty would do under similar circumstances, and it is my joy and spiritual pleasure to provide substance and sustenance to my fellow brethren in their time of need. Therefore you can imagine my surprise when riches began falling upon me as if delivered by the heavenly father himself.

When the first email arrived, straight from the desk of Mr. Paul Jones, informing me of a $500,000 pounds sterling lottery prize currently being held for me in an escrow account in their affiliate bank in the United Kingdom I simply could not believe my good fortune. I didn’t even know my own email address had been entered in the lottery!

Imagine my further surprise when I opened yet another email from a Mr. Mark Nikiema, with the auditing and accounting section of the African development Bank, who shared with me a story of a terrible plane crash. Apparently an entire family died leaving behind a monetary sum totaling some fifteen million U.S. dollars in an African bank account. Now, I’m a little fuzzy on the finer points of the tale, but apparently this money will somehow be claimed by the banking institution of which Mr. Nikiema represents unless I assist him in the liberation of those funds for which I will be rewarded a 30% finders fee.

Now, my immediate reaction upon reading these emails was that God had witnessed what a good and faithful steward I had thus far proven to be and I was being rewarded ten-fold with his bounteous blessings. Of course, once I ceased dancing around the house, speaking in tongues and proclaiming the wonderful glories of the most holy one another thought entered my head. What if this was a temptation sent from Satan to test me much in the same way Job had been tested in the Old Testament.

It was a vexing dilemma as you can plainly see. Well, as I always do when confronted with a spiritual pickle I sat down in the dark confines of my bedroom closet and began an intense session of prayer and meditation. I implored the lord to provide me an answer and several times I rebuked demons who tried to interrupt my parlay with Jesus by filling my mind with visions of lewdness the likes of which I had no inkling existed before that day. Finally, after several grueling hours of supplication the answer was given to me and I knew what I had to do.

As I stated in an earlier paragraph I am a humble man, living in a humble home with a humble wife and child, plus two humble dogs and one even humbler cat. The sums of money with which I was being tempted could easily prove to be more than I could cope with and I could easily find myself indulging in iniquities and pleasures of the flesh you simply can’t imagine unless you’d been sitting with me in the closet of my bedroom on that fateful day I did battle with Satan and prayed to the great, I Am.

Friends, an opportunity has been presented to us to change the world in a profound manner. Beginning Saturday morning a chain of rock and roll concerts known as “Live Earth” will begin around the globe. Although the concerts have not been set up as fund raisers it will be possible to make donations to Al Gores website promoting a greener planet. Good souls that I know you to be I have a favor to ask of you.

Knowing that it is important to lead by example I will not ask you to do more than I have already done myself. I know that not many of you have been recipients of emails from Mr. Mark Nikiema of the African Development bank. I am also aware of the odds of many more of my readers having been contacted about winning the U.K. lottery. However, if only twenty or thirty of you will join me in contacting these individuals (and any other agents of the African banking community) who may have contacted you by email, and strongly encourage them to donate these funds (anonymously of course, because after all we are not Reverend Al Sharpton) to the “Live Earth S.O.S. fund” so that we can help Al Gore save the planet.

My Christian brothers, I see it as a win-win situation for everyone involved; monies liberated from the corrupt financial institutions in Africa will be used by fiscally responsible individuals to save the planet, we as beings of light and humility will not be tempted to commit acts of unspeakable iniquity by attempting to manage sums of money beyond our humble abilities to handle and Al Gore finally wins the big one. Please, I implore you, give these monies to a worthy cause and help to save the planet. Trust me, it is the least we can do for a worthy rock and roll concert cause.

Humbly yours, DirkStar


Blogger Josie said...

Now all we have to do is to convince Mr. Gore to run for President of the United States.

First he wins an Academy Award, and now he takes part in the largest concert - ever - throughout the globe. He who laughs last?

I signed the petition on line, anyway.

July 07, 2007 12:46 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

I watching Live Earth right now on Bravo.

I'll think about your idea and decide what I should do. I'm not totally sure that a bunch of hippies will do more good with that money than I would. LOL ;-)

July 07, 2007 9:47 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Call me a cranky wizard, but I can not laugh at anything concerning the sorry state humans have made of the earth (despite how amusing your post's logic is).

I am happy for your good fortune: a beautiful son, the lottery win and the Nikiema windfall; I applaud your willingness to give all but the son to a worthy cause, but I simply can not joke about Al Gore's attempts to wake us all up.

There is no greater issue than this, for, like Micah, my children and my grandson will face the results of our destruction. Famine caused by volatile weather and climate change will bring on wars and domestic killings as more and more people face starvation.

And here's what the Republicans are doing about it:

"Earlier this year, Republican leaders in the Senate refused Gore’s request to host one of the concerts on the Capitol grounds facing the Washington Monument. The denial came after Gore testified before House and Senate panels in March about what he calls a 'true planetary emergency'."

"Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla., who has called global warming a hoax, led the move to squash the Capitol concert."

(Assoc. Press, July 6, 2007)

By the way, Dirk, it's good to see you back in Bloggerville.

July 07, 2007 9:56 AM  
Blogger C-dell said...

cool, that was a cool post, and a great way to get your point across.

July 07, 2007 11:06 AM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

other options
ride a bike
get a push lawn mower -- ya you read that right!!!
turn off the f*ing light when you leave the room!

July 07, 2007 1:30 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Do you think Al & Company could use all that cut-rate Viagra, too?

July 09, 2007 7:56 AM  

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