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May 5, 2007

Smells like teen spirit...

Doctor McHenry says there is no
reason the boy shouldn't be working.

Well, it’s been eleven days now and the novelty has worn off. That wonderful new baby smell has faded and I’m left with the question of what to do with the boy until he turns eighteen and I can boot him out of the house. I’m already tired of listening to his music and if I hear that song about the farmer and his dell one more time I won’t be held responsible for what might happen. Darn kids and their rap music.

Yo, McDonald had dis farm, with a hoe-hoe here,
and a hoe-hoe dere,
here a hoe, dere a hoe, everywhere a hoe-hoe.
Man, I thought it was a Washington call girl service.

All the boy wants to do all day is lay around, suck the nipple and sleep. When I was his age I already had two paper routes, a fledging lawn service and I sold Band-Booster candy bars on the side. I can’t even get my son to empty the trash once a week and his diapers are two thirds of what we throw away now; except for the really soiled ones which I’m burying in the backyard in an attempt to recycle them as fertilizer for the herb garden. The idea will work too if I can just get the dogs to stop digging them back up and using them for chew toys.

He’s already giving me that look too. The one that says, “All the other kids have a big wheel, why can’t I have one too?” Oh yeah, like next he’ll be wanting some sunglasses and rub-on-tattoos so he looks real cool cruising around the block smoking candy cigarettes and hitting on the young girls. Does he think his dad was born yesterday? My kid ain’t leaving the yard until he’s twenty-five and even then I’ll be chaperoning.

I believe a child has got to have structure and discipline. That is why I’m now raising my boy in a Skinner box. Once he learns to push the right combination of buttons the food will flow again and he’ll put on enough weight to join the work force. I’ve been preparing to start him off on a career of weaving hemp and sea-shell necklaces. Once he pays me back for the initial investment of materials, the small wooden crutch and tin cup I had custom made for marketing I’ll begin salting away his three percent of the profits towards his community college fund.

Well, I’d write more but I’ve got to go and complete the once a week hosing down of the Skinner box. You’d be amazed at how nasty those things can get after five or six days of infant occupation.


45 Comments:

Blogger MasterQ said...

Ha ha, very funny! I am supposed to be laughing at this, right?

May 05, 2007 12:58 PM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

Why would you be laughing at my son?

I believe he is having a good life. There is plenty of room in the box and he almost has the food levers figured out.

Life is getting better for him every day...

May 05, 2007 1:03 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

ROFL Poor kid!!! ;) Naw, glad you're getting to enjoy most of the work of being a Dad. And it sounds like you're even pitching in on the diaper changings.... Hey, that's a good deal more than MY hubby did!! (If he so much as smelled the DD pass gas he'd be insisting _I_ change her. Not once did he attempt to stay in the same room as her when she was being changed, much less actually do the changing of her himself. Dontcha know, that was woman's work, along with feeding, and bathing, and bed-time, and anything else that didn't involve a football or soccer ball or whiffle ball being passed between the two of them.)

Hope Felicia's recovering well!

May 05, 2007 4:10 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

Way to go Man! Teach him the way it is from the beginning!!! LOL!

Great blog. Your little guy is so cute!

May 05, 2007 8:22 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Huh? In paragraph one you are waiting to boot the boy at 18. But in paragraph four (if you count lyrics as a paragraph), you said he doesn't leave the yard till 25. You are losing your ability to think clearly. The boy is messing with your head!!

May 05, 2007 8:45 PM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

em - I see no error; he gets booted out of the house at eighteen where he lives in a tent until he is twenty-five.

Duh...

You can not mess with a solid plan.

May 05, 2007 11:12 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

I can see it now, you are going to be the one weeping when he goes to school for the first time. Living in a box - I don't believe for a minute your the mean ole man you claim to be. Jaeda arrived today by c-section, 8 pounds 7 ounces, 21 inches long.

May 06, 2007 1:03 AM  
Blogger Asara said...

Eh, I think you know more about this parent thing than you let on :) When can we expect number 2, so you can learn all about the dynamic between "mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, he hit me!!" and "daddddddyyyyyyyyyyy, she took my toy!!" And one of mine doesn't even know more than the "mommy" part. But you get what they're saying anyway.

It's 2:30 in the morning. Why am I awake?

May 06, 2007 1:35 AM  
Blogger Andromeda said...

you are just so cute! i am very impressed that you can still retain your sharp wit despite a likely sleep deficit. just stopping by to say hello. congratulations once again...

May 06, 2007 8:48 AM  
Blogger I think you're crazy just like me said...

Clever man...but it doesn't work out hehehe. He is the boss until you die Dirk. SUCKA! hehehe

May 06, 2007 10:14 AM  
Blogger Smalltown RN said...

what a precious little boy you have.....the fun is only beginning dad.....he looks so healthy....

cheers my friend

May 06, 2007 12:12 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

My granddaughter might be late but she outweighs Micah by 6 ounces! HAH

Thank you for reading and critiquing my blog. I don't know why it matters but it does. Instead of throwing a bunch of words in cyberland I now take a little time in the delivery. I owe that to you.

May 06, 2007 12:27 PM  
Blogger barbara said...

Hi Dirk,
Thank you for visiting my blog ;)
My first visit at yours, and I'am having a grand time!
My congratulations for your lovely baby. :)
I'am not going to be able to dish out parenting advice; I don't have one (or even two) of my own.
But, I'am sure you are a great Dad; I'll come back and read your adventures.
Stay cool dude, and come back & visit my blog when you like.

May 06, 2007 1:13 PM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

You will be a great dad!

May 06, 2007 6:16 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

You're doing an excellent job. He's building character every single day. So many kids never get that opportunity these days.

May 06, 2007 8:32 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Dirk, I'm afraid you haven't quite figured out just who is the boss, yet. It'll be crystal clear to you before long.

May 06, 2007 8:33 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

Congratulations to you and Felicia! He's a beautiful boy!

May 06, 2007 8:52 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

May 06, 2007 9:13 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Sheesh! Kids these days...

I find it worthwhile to remind the young 'un that it is very fashionable right now for same-sex celebrity couples to collect adopted children as if they were discount Hummel figurines. This helps to "keep her in line," as Dr. Spock used to say.

"Oh, honey, Rosie O'Donnell's on the phone. What should I tell her today?"

May 07, 2007 12:52 PM  
Blogger zen wizard said...

Come to think about it, Sharpton and Jesse Jackson should form a human chain around McDonald's farm.

May 07, 2007 3:48 PM  
Blogger Tanie said...

Oh what a darling little one! Haven't dropped by for some time. Congratulations to all.

May 07, 2007 4:16 PM  
Blogger Lizard Princess said...

You got this part right-

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." -Bill Cosby

MI-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

(even though it ends with an H, it sounds like a).
That'll come in handy sooner than you think!

Have fun- it's such a joy!

May 07, 2007 4:27 PM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

welcome to the life of a parent

May 08, 2007 6:57 AM  
Blogger Chucky said...

seeems like you are starting him off right!

May 08, 2007 11:25 PM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Elizabeth Gnome wanted me to remind you that they are born smarter than we are...

May 09, 2007 8:28 AM  
Blogger Freakazojd said...

LOL at this whole post!!

May 09, 2007 8:44 AM  
Blogger Crabby said...

Hate to tell ya but I don't think guys ever get tired of layin' around, remotes, and suckin on the nipple.

May 09, 2007 1:18 PM  
Anonymous rosie o said...

A Baby?!?!? A Baby?!?!?

A CUTIE PATOOTIE?!?!?!

I'm still trying to complete my collection, so let me know when this one's available.

May 10, 2007 8:20 AM  
Blogger TutleyMutley said...

YOu might laugh. Did you know that couple hundred years ago we thought babies were so fragile that we used to strap em to a board with bandages, not feed them for a couple of days (merely give them laxatives to get rid of the meconium) and bind more bandages around them when the originals got a bit messy. The board used to be hung up on the wall (so you could keep an eye on them). And the babies survived!!!
Our son moved out when he was eighteen. Them came back again 6 months later! (shock horror!)
He's gone again now, but calls home regularly for something to eat and a loan.

May 10, 2007 5:26 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

Hey, I meant to share with you two things. One is a book that my Pediatrician recommended and I can tell you it saved us a ton of worry. Of all the books I bought on babies, this one is the best and is the one I buy as a gift to all my friends who are expecting. The name of it is Baby 411, by Dr. Ari Brown.

Also, another great website to look things up is kidsgrowth.com; another recommendation from my Pediatrician.

Sometimes just being able to find information on a symptom is enough to put first-time parents at ease. I know it did for us!

Hope these links are helpful. Thanks too for your kind note. I did find a new job and I start on Monday!

May 11, 2007 11:15 AM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

Your a regular Dr. Spock for the early 21st Century, there, yes you are, Dirk_Star.

Don't forget the Bill Cosbyesque 5 mile uphill-both-ways walk in 5 feet of snow to school each day you also had to do at Micah's tender age of two weeks.

May 11, 2007 4:36 PM  
Blogger C-dell said...

You seem to really be enjoying being a father. I am happy for you.

May 12, 2007 8:25 PM  
Blogger I think you're crazy just like me said...

Please wish Felicia a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from this complete stranger ;)

May 13, 2007 1:10 AM  
Blogger Imran said...

He looks cute and ready enough for work... looking at his face, don't you just melt?!

Cut that boy some slack, will you?

May 13, 2007 2:23 AM  
Blogger Pepper said...

I haven't heard from you in a while and I hope everything is going well.

May 13, 2007 9:24 AM  
Blogger melanie said...

hey dad, can i borrow the car? that sentence is closer than you think!

take lots of pictures, because the damn things just keep growing. I have decided I need to learn how to make shoes as he gets two new pairs every six months at this age...

Congrats PaPa... he is a looker!

May 13, 2007 10:28 AM  
Blogger russkal said...

Goodness gracious, Dirk! Your son has arrived and I missed it! Man, do I feel like a loser...

Well i guess, though terribly late as it is, congratulations is in order. So, CONGRATULATIONS big daddy groovy!

8 lbs? Man, Micah is huge! Then again my first born was 8.8 lbs when he was born, to think that my wife is a petite young lass. Mothers really are wonderful beings and on that note, I'd like to wish Felicia a Happy Mother's Day too!

I'll see you around, buddy. And if you're not busy watching over Micah, maybe you can check out my newly-posted Bangkok photos :p

May 13, 2007 1:51 PM  
Blogger Mone said...

just watch him how fast he'll take over your pc ;)

May 14, 2007 5:38 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Happy Mothers Day to Felicia ~

May 14, 2007 8:42 AM  
Blogger Danielle said...

I hope Felicia enjoyed her first Mother's Day.

I tagged you

As always wishing you well.

May 14, 2007 4:17 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

I'll admit, I'm a lurker. But it's been ten days since you've posted and you had a bit of trouble at the start. I know new ones can take up time beyond belief, but is all okay with you and your family?

May 15, 2007 10:11 PM  
Blogger DNR said...

Nice!! Very funny!!

Sorry to have been gone so long.
Very glad to know some familuar faces are still around.

May 16, 2007 4:08 PM  
Blogger Old Plod said...

Glad to see your great sense of humour is still very much intact despite the trials and tribulations of parenthood! Delighted to hear that little Micah is recovering well from his bout of jaundice. With love to all three of you from your friends in the United Kingdom.

May 18, 2007 2:39 PM  
Blogger Demain66 said...

Yeah, after a while you even forget their names...I started calling my boys 'Tard One and 'Tard Two (or The'Tardy Boys if I need to summon them both) just to make things easier. I tell them that when they turn eighteen, I'm going to give them the world. On their eighteenth birthday, I'm going to walk them out on the front porch and say,"There it is, boy....the World!" Then I'll run back inside, slamming and locking the door behind me.
By the way, I popped over from the Circus.

June 04, 2007 7:47 AM  
Blogger zen wizard said...

That's some funny $h!T!!

June 05, 2007 5:16 PM  

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