Big wheels keep on rolling...

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages there was only one red-hot ticket for one must-see show and you know you possessed said ticket if it proclaimed on its front the impending conflagration between the “Gem City Roller Girls“ and the Smokin’ Guns of the “Fort Wayne Derby Girls”. Billed as “Red, White and Bruised” this event promised to be a veritable cornucopia of pain on wheels. Yours truly was fortunate to be in possession of two ring side seats. Now, a sporting event of this magnitude needs to be shared with a special friend and that’s why I wasted no time in getting on the horn, calling up my good buddy, Mad Max and letting him know what time I’d be swinging by to pick him up.

It was all sweetness and light at first.

When we arrived at the Nutter Center, located on the pastoral grounds of Wright State University, the parking lot was quickly filling with raucous fans already elevated to a frenzied state of excitement. This was going to be good. When we entered the arena and found our way to the souvenir booth I was a little surprised to be greeted by the cute and smiling face of a skater who rolls by the handle of, T. F. XIII. Now, I was sure the T.F. stood for Too Fine or something equally sweet and pure but she quickly assured me it stood for Trip Flare. (Judging from I saw I can only assume a Trip Flare to be some sort of delightful booby trap.

(Course, what do I know about "military hardware"?)

Whirling, twirling wheels of destruction.

Well good folks, the evening may have started out all sweetness and light as Max and I collected our souvenir shirts, buttons and bumper stickers but it didn’t take long to turn nasty with these hot-wheeled babes of bashing. No sooner had we taken our seats when the pack began forming up for the first jam of the night. When the buzzer sounded it was high speed rumbling tumbling black and blue hell on wheels action. I nearly got whip lashed trying to follow the girls flashing around the oval track! By the time I got settled into my seat the first quarter had come to a close with the score a mighty close one between the two combative teams of cat-fighting girls on hot neoprene wheels of death.

Well now, sometimes ringside seats can prove to be a little too close the action and such proved to be the case when an enraged skater by the name of “Poisonous butterfly” rolled over and started screaming something about an ex-husband, unfinished trailer repairs and child support while holding me in a choke hold and thumping on my cranial dome like she was playing “Wipe Out” on a set of bongo drums. Thankfully, the crew of quick thinking zebras was able to race to my rescue and pull the maniacal madam of mayhem off of me before too much permanent damage had been inflicted upon my person. After emotions had cooled a bit she rolled over later and apologized for the incident and after showing me a picture of her ex I did have to admit how much the two of resembled each other.

That is her real eye color. I swear to God!

After that the evening was pretty much a symphony of ringing ears underneath a sky of swirling stars around my head. I do know there were lots of brutal hits, someone named, “Hannah Barbaric” was scoring points like Michael Jordon in his prime and someone called “Bang- Bang Ladesh” from Fort Wayne was spending a lot more time on her "bum bum" than she was shooting her mouth off. Why, at times it seemed there were more girls sitting in the penalty box than there were in the stands.

When the smoke finally cleared...

When the final buzzer sounded and the fog had lifted from my battered brain, the good, or at least the better, girls had prevailed and the crowd was going wild. All in all it was an enjoyable evening and as the medical crews wheeled me out to my car I lay basking in warm glow of my head concussion. If the truth be told, I had a really good time with the “Gem City Roller Girls” and what the hell, if they’re willing to pick up the tab on any of my future hospital bills I’d surely go and see them again. If you’re going to be in the Dayton area anytime soon I recommend making a side trip to go see these girls. Now, I may not know much about the sport of Roller Derby but this one thing I do know; like any group of bad girls on a Friday night these ladies will not disappoint you. I guarantee you'll see lots of action..

Oh, one last thing. Once Max got to the car he couldn’t stop talking about his good fortune in actually scoring a little beaver...

Lucky guy, all I got was beat up by a girl.