November 15, 2007

Toys in the attic...

A real solution

So how are supposed to protect our children during the holidays this year from the tsunami of potentially deadly toys that is filling the shelves of our major retail outlets? As we’ve just learned from watching the retailers announce product recalls after the Halloween sales were finished and the holiday completed, the concept of being “forewarned” is not something we as consumers can count on. Once the corporate entity has made its money they don’t really care what happens to us.

Here is another little something to think about. During the holiday season, say Halloween through Christmas, a number of seasonal businesses spring up offering a wide variety of specialized products to the consuming public. These storefront retailers offer goods at a discount price promoting fast impulsive purchases by bargain seeking shoppers. Now, by the time the recall of dangerous products are brought to the attention of the American public these seasonal shops have closed their doors and exited the Malls and shopping centers where they were hawking their wares. Your receipt is worthless and your chance of getting your money returned is slim to none. Plus, you are left with the chore of disposing of the chemically contaminated item in a safe and responsible manner.

There are currently two highly recommended methods for civilian disposal of toxic toys. First, there is the “yard sale”. I have a friend who told me about this technique which he employs because he claims it solves two current societal problems in one fell swoop. My friend checks the internet for lists of toys currently being recalled for posing a chemical danger to children. He then goes door to door in his surrounding neighborhoods and offers to dispose of the items as a service to his community. Everyone is eager to participate and his efforts are generally greeted with heartfelt feelings of gratitude for his diligence in helping to keep our children free of toxic chemicals.

Once the deadly toys have been collected my friend begins making preparations for what he calls the “yard Sale”. First, he drives as far away as possible from the pristine confines of suburbia and looks for an inner city neighborhood populated with as many illegal Hispanic immigrants as he can find. As soon as he has located such a neighborhood he looks for a vacant home with a for sale sign in the front yard. Once he has found such a site he pulls his truck into the driveway and begins to set up shop.

After removing the for sale sign from the front lawn he begins setting up the “yard sale”. The collected items are placed on the lawn with price stickers that make the goods almost irresistible. (He is also very quick to negotiate price and never turns down a buyer’s final offer.) Soon the lawn is filled with a bevy of happy Hispanic shoppers gathering what appears to be a cornucopia of bargains. My friend takes in a very tidy sum of money, his neighbor’s children are safe and secure from the toxic toys and as an insidious bonus, illegal immigrants are physically weakened from the concentration of toxins and are unable to perform the jobs they have taken from good American citizens. My friend claims that his plan may very well save the American economy.

Recommended technique number two for civilian disposal of toxic toys is known as the “Ivory Tower”. By now it has become painfully apparently just exactly who is responsible for the evils being perpetuated upon the average American Joe and exactly where it is they live. (My friend is not quite as supportive of this method of disposal because of the lack of financial gain and the immediate gratification.) Using the same method of collection my friend fills his truck with toxic toys and then waits until the day before trash pickup in the neighborhoods of the rich and elite. Once evening has fallen and the rich profiteers of American commerce are sound asleep beneath their goose down comforters of luxury he drives through their neighborhoods and distributes his toxic cargo amongst the garbage cans set out for pickup.

My friend believes that as the landfills of the rich began to fill with the toxic toys they were so eager to import and sell to unwary consumers, eventually their water sources will become infected as the deadly chemicals begin to leach into the underground wells from which they get the water that flows into their homes. My friend believes that once the children of the elite bourgeois ruling class begin suffering the effects of the poisons they have imported into our country in the name of profit that something will be done as quickly as possible to eradicate the danger in our midst their personal greed has created.

There are other suggested methods of civilian disposal of toxic toys but as I said to my friend, “Jon, don’t the homeless have enough problems already? Besides, most of them are decent American workers who lost their jobs to illegal immigrants. They deserve a break!”

Twenty-five million toys contaminated with lead and in some cases even worse chemicals. This is only the tip of the iceberg and aside from the immediate danger posed by these products there is the very real long term danger of what these poisoned products will do to the environment in the future. I will not be participating in the cycle of evil by purchasing poisoned goods for the holiday and then trying to return them after months in my home when the damage has already been done. This Christmas my son will enjoy the wonder of Christmas carols and animated tales of the Grinch and Frosty the Snowman. We will dine on homemade treats and the gifts he receives will be handmade by my friends and neighbors.

I guess that is the one good thing to come out of the poisoned toy debacle. My son will get to enjoy the same kind of old fashioned Christmas I enjoyed so much as a child. Thank you Wal-Mart and God bless you retailers, each and every one.


Blogger Jay said...

Couldn't we just bomb China or something? Wait ... since the toys came from China, we should bomb a different country. You know, just to keep everyone on their toes. Like we did with Iraq, ignoring countries that really were involved with 9/11 and bombing Iraq worked great. So, toys contaminated with lead come from China means we should bomb Costa Rica.

Seriously though, this truly is a great opportunity to rid ourselves of the commercialization and materialism that associated with Christmas.

November 15, 2007 9:50 PM  
Blogger DirkStar said...

Jay, I couldn't agree with you more.

Maybe if we take the toys out of Christmas this year we'd all rediscover the real value of family.

And maybe, just maybe the retailers would rediscover the real value of their customers?

Even Tiny Tim...

November 15, 2007 11:30 PM  
Blogger DirkStar said...

Craig - Nice...

November 16, 2007 12:23 PM  
Blogger DirkStar said...

Hey, blogger just ate Craig's comment!

What is going on?

November 16, 2007 12:24 PM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

my dad would always say to me "here are some broken bottles and old razor blades, go play in traffic"
I think that is sound advise today.

November 16, 2007 12:29 PM  
Blogger zen wizard said...

Social Darwinism effected by the redistribution of toxic toys...

Brilliant, man, brilliant!

Except for the Hispanics: Every time I go to Cancun I get so sick I practically have to get my stomach pumped. But I notice the natives happily consuming food and drink and not being affected.

Those are some tough little buggers and I think their rug rats will survive gnawing on a Barbie's Dreamhouse or a Thomas the Tank Engine.

Their digestive systems merely laugh at .3-parts-per-million lead content.

November 16, 2007 1:09 PM  
Blogger Arcturus said...


That rose to a level of Jonathan Swift - "Gulliver's Travels" satire. Bravo. And, alas, true.

But, remember, Dirk_Star, Jesus DID appoint Bush to be "President in Christ for Life" and to cut taxes for billionaires and corporate cronies while bombing whatever countries he deems to be filled with "evildoers."

So if Dear Leader sez we need to buy a load of toxic bio-and-petrochemical crap from China as our Patriotic Duty, well, you just better march yourself down to your nearest Wal-Mart at 10AM on a Sunday after church and SHOP, all while singing in Lee Greenwood time, "And I'm proud to be an American ..."

November 16, 2007 5:36 PM  
Blogger You can Call me AL said...

Damn Eddie!
This was my first time reading your blog,HOLY HELL! Going to take a while to relocate my jaw and clean up the drool.
Your are with out a doubt different!!!!

November 16, 2007 10:16 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

That is the true meaning of Christmas.

November 17, 2007 11:41 AM  
Blogger Merelyme said...

you are back! yay! and you have not lost your biting rapid fire satire. very fine job indeed.

November 18, 2007 9:02 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

The one upside is that this is truly the best time of year to find good old-fashioned hand-made toys for children. Toys that are sculpted from wood in somebody's local wood-shop, or sewn in somebody's sewing room. Your kiddo should be almost old enough for a little pull-along carved wooden horse or duck, or maybe a little wooden dump truck to push along the floor. In all reality, if you're willing to look around, there ARE options for good quality, hand-made, non-toxic toys.

Happy Thanksgiving (a couple of days early), Dirk, Felicia, and Micah!

November 19, 2007 2:29 PM  

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