April 12, 2007

What a long strange trip its been...

Part I

Nipple me, Elmo...

There is a fundamental question at the root of every act of stupidity ever committed by the male members of the human species. Now, I’m not sure if its become hard wired into our brains over the centuries of walking across the face of the planet with our knuckles dragging in the dirt or if it actually is as our female counterparts keep insisting, ”Honey, you just don’t learn very quick, do you?”

Well, whatever the origin, brain disorder or rudimentary learning disability responsible for it the question that plagues us as every-day-men is the very same one George W. Bush surely asked himself just after the invasion of Afghanistan and right before entering Iraq; How much worse could things get? Friends, it is my firm belief that these words should be etched upon the gates of Hell directly above the phrase, “Abandon all hope ye who enter within.” Yes indeed, once this question formulates itself in the mind of a man it is best to get out of his way and run for cover because disaster is surely in the making.

Until recently my worst experience with the question occurred a number of years ago when I decided to get my first body piercing. As with most cases of male inspiration I got the idea for my pierce during an inebriated viewing of an adult film. The male star of the movie we were watching sported the coolest pierce I’d ever seen, down there. Now, before you go getting all crazy and start thinking to yourself that not only is this DirkStar guy stupid, he’s freaking insane too let me assure that I did not get that one.

Mine was one small hoop at the base of business just in front of the boys. Yeah, it was cool and you couldn’t even see it until my Chaney stood up to salute Old Glory. Now, as everyone gathered around to watch the crazy man get his Chaney pierced my buddies were busy taking bets on whether or not I’d pass out, scream or perhaps even some combination of the two with an involuntary wetting of myself thrown in for the extra laugh.

The grand moment arrived and the hooked needle took its bite. The hoop was inserted into the flange at the top end of the needle which was then pulled through to set the hoop subsequently closed with a small metal ball snapped into place on each end of the open ring. The process had been so swift I didn’t even realize he’d started before it was over. It did not hurt in the least. Friends, Romans and countrymen, let me tell you that no one in the parlor was more surprised at the complete lack of pain and reaction than yours truly, the DirkStar. Lesser men ran from the room with hands held over their mouths. Those who remained looked at each other in shock and amazement.

“Dude, he didn’t even flinch.”

“Man, he must have a Chaney made of iron with pubic hair of steel wool.”

“I’ve got to admit it, if that had been me I’d have first pooped then peed myself, cried at least for a minute or two and maybe even have passed out.”

There was even one girl who stared at me with a strange-wicked-look in her eye and asked if I might want to get together some time. As god is my witness I looked right back at her and said, “Give me your phone number, maybe I’ll give you a ring.”

Now, what neither I nor any of the other awestruck members of the audience had taken into account about the proceedings which had just transpired was the physical logistics of the event. You see, where I had chosen to get my first piercing was not the actual Chaney where all of the millions of nerve endings are located making the thing such a wonderful part of the male anatomy. No, my pierce was through a mass of nearly insensitive skin designed to stretch with miraculous elasticity while experiencing little to no physical discomfort.

“Is that it?” I asked.

“That’s it, you’re finished. While you’re here, is there any other piercing you need done?”

“No, I think I’m finished for today.”

Of course that is what I should have said but that would not have been in character at all with the intellectual thought processes of a red-blooded-All-American-blowhard-male now would it?

“Well, I have always wanted to get a nipple ring.”

“I can do that for you if you want. I’ll even take twenty percent off the price if you let my assistant perform the procedure. She’s getting ready to take her board certification and could really use the last minute practice.”

Twenty percent off the price, a blond hottie of an assistant running a needle through my left nipple and the continued adulation of my new tattoo parlor friends, how could I possibly resist? I carefully weighed the pros and cons of the decision over the course of the next few seconds and wound up asking myself the fatal question; I just survived the Chaney experience with no major consequences how much worse could a nipple pierce be?

As the lovely assistant gently held my nipple between her thumb and forefinger in preparation of performing the pierce things seemed pretty groovy. My little brown nub was responding favorably and swelled with enjoyment. When she applied the alcohol swabbing to my tiny pleasure button it further swelled with happiness until it stood perky and proud with excitement.

Under the watchful scrutiny of the piercing master she applied a tiny black dot to each side of the base of the nipple with a fine-tip-magic-marker to indicate the path of the upcoming pierce. At this point I had nothing but the highest confidence in this girl’s abilities and was smiling with enjoyment to the once again assembled crowd of onlookers. With one final glance towards the piercing master she picked up the hooked needle and started the procedure.

As she s-l-o-w-l-y began working the needle through my nipple, making sure not to miss the mark on the other side, I quickly learned just how many nerve endings are contained in this tiny bud of human flesh.

“You need to pick up the pace a bit, hon. The quicker you are with the needle the less pain the client will experience.”

“Well, I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to miss my marks either.”

Until that moment I had no idea what real pain was all about. If she had given the needle one or two good twists I’d have confessed to the Lindberg baby kidnapping and I’d have provided minute details of how I managed to fire the fatal shot into Kennedy from the grassy knoll.

It took her at least ten minutes to figure out the ring she had chosen was too big for the needle flange she’d selected. Those twists I was talking about a minute ago? I was getting ready to declare Mel Gibson in error and confess that it was me alone and not the Jews who’d killed Christ.

Finally the piercing master stepped in and began trying to figure out what had gone wrong. After what seemed an eternity of flaming-anguish he grabbed the proper ring and in seconds the metal ball snapped into place and the nightmare was over. No one in the room uttered a single word, except for that one girl with the strange-wicked-look in her eye. She just smiled and asked if I needed a ride home.

The tattoo parlor owner apologized and offered to do the other nipple for free because of the snafu. Having already learned just how much worse things could get at any given moment I declined his generous offer. With the help of friends I was loaded into the car and driven home where I spent the rest of the night curled up in a fetal ball around a bottle of tequila with a rubber-nipple on its top.

Well, I guess I’ve taken up an awful lot of your quality computer time with this sordid tale and you could probably use a break right about now. Yes, I know you still have lots of questions remaining such as, what does Elmo have to do with all of this, what is the meaning of this story and is there a moral to any of these ramblings? Let me assure you that there is indeed a purpose to the set up here today and the story to follow tomorrow will clear up any loose ends and provide a sense of closure to this adventure in learning.

And yes, after a yarn of this length about nipples, needles and human suffering how could things possibly get any worse?

You just had to ask, didn’t you?

To be continued...


Blogger Crabby said...

Damn, Dirk. Now I can't take my hands off the girls. Nobody but nobody is getting close to these babies with a sharp object. OUCH!

I'm gonna have nightmares for sure.

April 12, 2007 2:22 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

Ouch, Ouch and more ouch...Should I be dreading to read the rest??

April 12, 2007 2:48 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

You didn't go ahead and have the other nipple done?


LOL .. kidding.

I've returned your link to my blogroll.

April 12, 2007 2:57 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Is it just me, but have your last couple of posts featured your flesh being pierced in the most agonizing of ways?

Reminds me of a joke...

Therapist: Have you ever been married?

Patient: Oh, hell, no! I've never even been drunk enough to get a tattoo.

('Twas on a DR. KATZ episode.)

April 12, 2007 3:13 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Dirk, this was very, uh, interesting, but now I'm going to be carrying these images in my mind for a while, and on top of it all, I won't be able to resist reading the rest tomorrow.

April 12, 2007 3:23 PM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

crabby, cmon, all the cool kids are doing it.

bardouble, uh only if stories about breasts scare you.

jay, lets go and get them done together. I'll even let you go first...

craig, themes evolve naturally like lillies of the valley.

betty, you should see the fun when I go through airport security.

X-rays at the doctor's office are always good for a laugh too...

April 12, 2007 4:30 PM  
Blogger Lizard Princess said...

I feel your pain. I've had a few piercings of my own, though none below the neck.
I'll just say this- try nursing a thirty pound hungry baby with 6 teeth. That's gotta count for at least one piercing below the neck!

April 12, 2007 5:45 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

"jay, lets go and get them done together. I'll even let you go first..."

Uhh ... oh .. gee look ... I seem to be sooo busy right now.

I'll have to let you know when I might have time. ;-)

April 12, 2007 7:16 PM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Sigmund says to tell you he has a bow and arrow - quick, neat and virtually painless (he claims). He seems to think a butt piercing would be totally cool, and he was quick to add that you seem like the kind of fellow who might go for such a thing.

Let me know, and I'll set up an appointment, okay?

April 12, 2007 7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG I laughed so hard I had to go change my undies. Thanks. Those damn kegels didn't work...

April 12, 2007 8:51 PM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

OUCH!!! As a mother that never breast fed b/c of the pain...OUCHHHHHHH, Ouchhhhhhh, OUCHHHHHHH! =)

April 12, 2007 9:28 PM  
Blogger singleton said...

Oh can you print this sucker out and post it at all the tat parlors? And highlight the words....To Be Continued....?

April 12, 2007 9:35 PM  
Blogger russkal said...

Man, that was quite graphic! I was about to skip the whole post altogether when I read:

“...he must have a Chaney made of iron with pubic hair of steel wool.”

Too much information!

Can't wait what you're up to, though.

April 13, 2007 1:21 AM  
Blogger Imran said...

Yikes! Nobody's touching neither of mine!

April 13, 2007 8:28 AM  
Blogger SQT said...

As a woman who did breastfeed, I feel your pain. Sort of. The below-the-belt piercing just boggles the mind.

April 13, 2007 11:56 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

HOLY **** DUDE!!!!! You've got my curled into a ball, sitting here on my computer chair, and rocking back & forth in sympathy pains..... Dude Dirk, why?!?!?! What kind of machismo did you need to prove?!?!?!? Just...... DAMN!!!!!

In all fairness, one of my HS friends & are are both desirous of a tat and are talking about leaving the kids with the hubbies and making a girls-only road trip to Anchorage to get them.... We're both nervous as hell about it, but at least it'd be good, sympathetic company for some major hand-holding and tat-care assistance. (I'm getting mine on the back of my neck, under my hair. It's going to hurt like hell, but at least it'll look awesome.)

April 13, 2007 2:02 PM  
Blogger MarmiteToasty said...

I finks your a whimp cos it would of been well ard to do the piercings yourself lol :)


April 13, 2007 7:06 PM  
Blogger foam said...

man, and just when i was about to walk out the door to get my own nipple pierced.....
oh, what timing. i think i'll just stay home and drink another cup of coffee.

April 14, 2007 8:38 AM  
Blogger notfearingchange said...

Ouchie! Dude - 20% of is not worth the pain....
oh a part two...goodie!

ps. yes i am back!

April 14, 2007 9:37 AM  
Blogger Pepper said...

Dear Lord.

I was reading your post with my left hand clenched in a fist up against my lips, with my legs crossed, the other hand protecting the girls and my mother looked at me and said, "Are you in pain?" I had no words for her.

I am scared to read the continuation of this story…. However, I will be here this evening checking because this is too funny to ignore.

April 14, 2007 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oooh this is just way too painful to read. and i am about to have dinner...now all i can think about are nipples...sheesh!

April 14, 2007 4:35 PM  
Blogger sarala said...

Can't wait for part B. Now I know why you titled your blog Eddie, are you kidding?

April 14, 2007 5:35 PM  
Blogger Crashdummie said...

do I really wanna know how this ends?

April 14, 2007 6:30 PM  
Blogger Ozfemme said...

Ahem...Dirk Honey? Ggive birth, breastfeed a baby, develop mastitis and THEN we'll talk.....

April 14, 2007 10:31 PM  
Blogger Asara said...

ROFLMAO! Poor Dirk! I've had my ears pierced 6 times, my belly button once, and my *ahem* downstairs once, and I tell you what, none of them really hurt all that badly. A momentary OW! and that's about it. Of course, they were never done by an apprentice.. I think my epidural was when I had my son though. They had to try about 6 times before they got it right, and the IV in my arm about as many times too. Now granted, that's not a slow painful drag, but at least the needle only went through you the one time!

I'd get my nipple done, but I think the hubby would be upset at only having one to play with until it healed ;)

April 16, 2007 7:56 AM  
Blogger VI said...

Hey Dirk. Finally made it over here. Very amusing! But one criticism. You say you are youtube and celebrety photo free.

HANG ON!!!!!

Elmo's a celebrity!!!!!!!


April 16, 2007 2:48 PM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Okay, I have never understood piercings.
Now I know why.

Dude, that was rough
I would have killed someone


April 16, 2007 3:04 PM  

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