March 29, 2007

I go flying so high, when I'm stoned...

Sometimes the topics I write about are inspired by the blogs I read. Well, some of them at least. This evening’s offering is one of those topics. Several days ago I was reading the blog of friend who goes by the name of Cynical Bastard. In his article he was lamenting the fact that rarely do exotic aircraft land anywhere close to his local airport.

Imagine his surprise when a couple of F/A-18’s came screaming in for a landing at the Marine Corps Reservist air strip and he was there to catch all the excitement with his digital camera. I could feel the childlike wonder he experienced with every single word he penned about the adventure. The post had a genuine affect upon me and it inspired me to do something I’d not done since early childhood. I went to visit the Wright Patterson Air Force Base.

One of the great perks of living in Dayton, Ohio is that we are home to the United States Air Force Museum. Yeah, it is kind of cool. Although I am not an authority on the history of aircraft or even much of a military enthusiast I still wanted to share a little bit of our local bounty with my friend, the Cynical Bastard.

It's freakin huge! How can I choose?
What is the very best to share with my friend?

The first thing to greet me when I entered the hallowed halls of this amazing artifice was this gigantic statue of what I can only assume is one of the Wright Brothers. Chills ran up and down my spine as I tried to imagine the trials and tribulations as these two intrepid inventors dared to defy gravity and reach for the heavens.

"Wilber, come quick! I think I've figured out how to fly."

The Wright Flyer; trembling I stood before one of the earliest experimental vehicles to reach for the heavens and read from the actual diaries of the two inventors who dreamed of soaring with eagles.

Dear diary: We have at last created a prototype of a vehicle capable of achieving the speeds required to break the shackles of gravity and leap forth into the skies above us. Alas, if only Wilber could develop the upper body strength necessary to generate the lift needed to propel our craft skyward. Although discouraged at the moment we are returning to the drawing board certain that we are close to cracking the secret of flight.

Quickly, Wilber let go of the stabilizer bar and flap
your arms as if your life depended on it!”

One diorama that brought tears to my eyes depicted the terrible Pay Per Post tragedy of 1945. One of the early contest winners was offered the opportunity to take the controls of an airplane and enjoy the thrill of flying a few laps above the festivities of the Dayton Air show. Stunned bloggers watched in horror as the aircraft suddenly nosedived and crashed into the ground.

"Well maybe if someone had suggested opening my eyes
before lifting off I would have known what was happening."

At first glance I actually thought this next exhibit to be some sort of elaborate joke. It just seemed impossible given the current Iraqi situation under the leadership of George W. Bush. Improbable as it sounds though, this airplane is supposed to have been involved in the actual ending of a war. (Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.) Apparently it dropped some sort of terrible weapon known as the Limbaugh upon a small island of society-destroying Liberals thus saving the world from democracy and allowing corporate freedom to continue flourishing to this very day.

"Are you ready to take the Bockscar up, Captain Willie?"

“One of two terrible weapons unleashed upon a world at war; one was called, The Little Boy (or the George W. Bush in certain Washington circles) and the bigger and by far more devastating bomb shown here known as the Lying Limbaugh.

"The Rush Limbaugh."
Delivering megatons of truth destroying misinformation.

I'm not really sure what this next exhibit represents. It looks like a very early and primitive set of body armor for an Imperial Stormtrooper. Must George Lucas and Star Wars be a part of every exhibit depicting man's journey to the stars? Enough is enough already...

"Luke, I'm your grandfather."

The United States Air Force is never satisfied to rest upon the laurels of yesterday. Always preparing for the world of tomorrow the Air Force is developing new vehicles to insure the superiority of the American military machine. Imagine the awe that filled my soul as I stood in the middle of the Presidents Hangar and gazed upon the new and improved Air Force One.

Remember, you saw it here first...

"Hillary Clinton's Air force One."


Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Agreed on Billary. Now I get the pay per post reference!

March 29, 2007 3:28 AM  
Blogger Asara said...

Ha ha ha ha!!! Lovely :) I watched an episode of Beauty and the Geek once, where all the "Beauties" had to give a tour of an air and space museum, with the curator in their tour group. Highly amusing.

March 29, 2007 5:59 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Didn't I just say you're as funny as hell? LMAO here this morning. The photo of one of the Wright brothers is hilarious, but if you think you had gnome trouble yesterday, wait till some of the gnome GLB community sees that...

Yes, Dirk, you're MORE than funny!

March 29, 2007 6:54 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...


March 29, 2007 7:14 AM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

enemy, Billary?

asara, are you calling me a geek? Do not make me have to wizard slap you with my pocket protector...

wizard, hmmph I'm ignoring both you and this beastly little gnome leering at my ankle.

craig, now I remember just how evil you truly are...

March 29, 2007 7:32 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Bockscar Willie!! Omigod, to have missed that means I am not yet awake this morning.

You do deserve the TB award - or at least some variation of it... Hmmmm...

Yes, Dirk, I think you will get yours...

Turkey feathers, indeed! Why, I oughta...! What? Oh. Lucky for you Sigmund just told me that my horse is waiting...

March 29, 2007 7:36 AM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

That's right, the Bockscar Willie pun alone is worth six awards...

Did anyone catch the Fat Man tie in behind the Limbaugh bit?

Why do I even try?

March 29, 2007 7:43 AM  
Anonymous Ordinary Janet said...

That's an insult to that poor aircraft. I'm surprised in this PC day and age they'd allow a word like
"bitch" in a museum frequented by kiddies. I wonder how many times the staff hears, "Mommy, there's a dirty word on that plane!"

It's been a long, long time since I was at that museum. I'll have to get my tired old behind up there soon. I'm sure they've added to their exhibits since I was last there when all they had was the Wright stuff. *har har har*

March 29, 2007 8:31 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

hahahah .. they dropped the "Limbaugh" on Japan. Man, that's probably a war crime.

Great post. Very funny, Dirk.

I've been to that museum. I loved it.

March 29, 2007 8:40 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

The Airforce One bit was priceless! I still see a few kids around the neighborhood riding their bikes and flapping their arms. I wonder if they know it's already been tried............

Did I mention the water down here is bad?

March 29, 2007 9:40 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

OK, I'll trot out my favorite Limbaugh joke:

Q: What's the difference between the Hindenburg and Rush Limbaugh?

A: One is a flaming Nazi gas bag and the other is a zepplin!


March 29, 2007 10:32 AM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Well, on the last one, the enemy should have been at least given the choice of what flavor of bitch they would like to drop a bomb on their head.

Vanilla, for instance, is the most popular flavor known to man, by sources at Ben & Jerry's tell me.

(In fact, I recommended Vanilla Bitch as a flavor of Ben & Jerry's.)

March 29, 2007 10:57 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!! LOVING the last caption!!!! That was classic!

March 29, 2007 1:46 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Funny blog. And, the Air Force Museum is awesome.

March 29, 2007 3:27 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

I love the caption with the strawberry bitch plane. Strawberry Bitch man gotta love a plane named that.

March 29, 2007 3:40 PM  
Blogger AMAZING GRACIE said...

Skittles sent me over here and she knew what she was doing! You're quite the guy...

March 29, 2007 5:44 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

You are the coolest hippie on the internet. Your PPP post earned "Eddie, are you kidding?" a permanent link on *BNR*. Keep up the good work!

March 29, 2007 6:22 PM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Yes, justice has been served. I knew you would get one soon enough (we wizards know these things), and of course hungering for it makes it all the sweeter. ; ) Meanwhile, I hope I might start something with my small attempt at spreading art appreciation.

Congratulations! Who more than Dirk Star deserves a Thinking Blogger Award! A tip of the Wizard's Hat to you!

March 29, 2007 8:58 PM  
Blogger C-dell said...

cool stuff man. Hillary's Air force one. Crazy. Keep it up I'll see you when I see you peace!

March 29, 2007 11:01 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

Another wonderful, hysterically funny post. I am so glad you are back.

March 30, 2007 1:04 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Harrumph! said the Wizard...

March 30, 2007 7:32 AM  
Blogger Crabby said...

I've been there. It's an awesome place. But I swear I do NOT remember that statue.

March 30, 2007 7:46 AM  
Blogger Crabby said...

"Hilary Clinton's air force one"........bwaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha! It's perfect for her.

March 30, 2007 7:49 AM  

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