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November 6, 2006

Turning Over a New Leaf...

That’s it, I surrender to the truth. What could I have possibly have been thinking? Thank goodness I’ve seen the light and know in my heart of hearts what I must now do. I’m giving up the misguided liberal ideals that have kept me enslaved to the Democratic way and I’m turning Republican.

Yes, I know that comes as quite a shock to some of you, but I’m tired of being on the outside of righteousness looking in. I’ve been led astray by the likes of faker Michael J. Fox, when I should have been listening to the clear-God fearing-voice-of-reason, Rush Limbaugh. I should have been paying attention to Ted Haggard and Republican Congressman Mark Foley.

Why have I wasted my vote the past two presidential elections following my conscious when I could have been participating in the Bush agenda of fear? I should have supported the war in Iraq regardless of the lies justifying an illegal occupation. I should have welcomed the wire tapping of American phones that keeps us safe from terrorism. Why was I blind to the benefits of the Patriot Act? Praise God, its not too late!

Realizing how ignorant I am of Republican doctrines and principles I have determined to follow the examples of prominent Republican figures. Last night, before going to bed, I turned off both my brain and my sense of liberal morality. Upon waking this morning I took down the green flag of ecology hanging from the pole on my front porch and replaced it with the Stars and Stripes of nationalistic pride. Neighbors stood on their lawns clapping and cheering me on. It felt good to be a part of something...

Tomorrow night I plan on inviting one of the neighborhood boys over for a candle-lit dinner of dolphin slow-cooked over sequoia. I’m hoping we’ll be able to purchase an experimental amount of crystal meth in the parking lot of a local Pentecostal establishment before heading back to my place for a little bit of family valuing I like to think of as "child rearing". (Gosh, I hope he likes Ronald Reagan movies...)

I must admit to feeling a bit creepy about some of the new changes in my life, however, if this is what it takes to bring me closer to God and make me a better American, then I will suffer through the adjustment period. Give me guidance Karl Rove; please be the beacon of strength and wisdom to me as you have been to George W. Bush.

I must not lose focus of the holy mantra, Om... stem cell research... Om... Homosexual marriage...

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Today, at the bookstore, I was looking through the magazine section for conservative reading materials. I kept reaching out for the Republican Review, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pick it up for fear someone would think I was gay. Oh, if only I had the strength of Dick Chaney and could shoot my left-wing-doubts in the face.

Help me dear readers, help me in my new Republican walk towards the holy light of conservative obedience. Lord, I want to be your Neocon.

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19 Comments:

Blogger Jeff Myers said...

mr dirkstar...i own destroy all humans2...i havnt played much of it though

November 06, 2006 1:08 AM  
Blogger tinkerbell said...

hi, ive just seen you on my mate j's step into the sky blog and i liked your zany zappa type pic and checked you out!

you've got a really great writing voice, i like this blog a lot.

i just checked out your webpage. the nelson mandela let it shine quote
is brilliant, thanks for posting that dirk :)

November 06, 2006 8:06 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Jesus Loves You too!

November 06, 2006 11:07 AM  
Blogger Nienke said...

Wow, you really have a way with words, your blog's pretty cool.

November 06, 2006 12:44 PM  
Blogger Felicia said...

I knew it, you're just not right in the head, but boy that writing is terrific!
Have a fun day, blog-boy!

November 06, 2006 12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dirk! Thanks for inviting me over.

If I were a better person, I'd talk more politics on my blog. Love your take on things...

November 06, 2006 12:56 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

You can do it; it's a secret ballot when voting. No one will know of your leanings.

November 06, 2006 1:35 PM  
Anonymous mission man said...

Hi, first time reader...

Welcome to the VRWC. (Vast Right Wing Conspiracy) ha!

Anyways, good blog, keep it up.

November 06, 2006 3:13 PM  
Blogger Karon Holley Connelly said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog, http://www.thedownsideup.com/

You're a hoot. Keep it up.

KKHC

November 06, 2006 3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A fine choice!!!

First, blame most everything on the "Left Wing Media"...it is kind of the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy", but for the Right instead.

Second, all Democrats, liberals and other left-of-center people are the same as Michael Moore. Refer to them interchangably.

Third, when in doubt, just accuse someone of being on the side of the terrorists. This is GOLD!

And finally, all that stuff about small government, fiscal restraint and personal liberty? Yeah...we are totally kidding!!! That is just the stuff we tell people to make them not hate us.

Once you get those down, welcome on board!!!

November 06, 2006 4:47 PM  
Blogger kookiejar said...

Hey, thanks for taking a peek at my blog, (you are a busy guy). Now if you want to be a good little Republican goon, make sure you pick up a bunch of Democrats with no cars and take them to the wrong polling place. It's what dubya would want you to do.

November 06, 2006 5:10 PM  
Blogger DNR said...

Dirk – fascinating reading. Euphemisms and all. Thanks for stopping by. - DNR

November 06, 2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger The Wayward E said...

You put my blog to shame, sir. How did you come to read me?

November 06, 2006 6:35 PM  
Blogger PeppermintKiwi said...

Yes, the treaty was quite a historic moment. I expect it to be on future History exams.

Good luck with the neocon-ing! I have an old Rush Limbaugh book somewhere I can send you so you can pretend he's a great writer, just like the other Republicans!

November 06, 2006 9:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My kinda hate, kid.
Rant away.

November 06, 2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger yellowdog granny said...

i will pray to the goddess for you...if that doesnt work i will hunt you down and bip you upside the head..

November 07, 2006 12:13 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

beautifully written material here...thanx for stopping by & taking the time to comment. Dayton, huh?--a friend teresa
has her terrific photos exhibited at Dayton Visual Arts Center (I think she might be splitting a space with dougtaylor photos

November 07, 2006 8:29 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

I... I want to help, but I don't know how.

M-mega d-d-d-dittos...

November 07, 2006 4:06 PM  
Blogger kim said...

lmfao! very damn funny

November 07, 2006 10:07 PM  

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