Turning Over a New Leaf...
That’s it, I surrender to the truth. What could I have possibly have been thinking? Thank goodness I’ve seen the light and know in my heart of hearts what I must now do. I’m giving up the misguided liberal ideals that have kept me enslaved to the Democratic way and I’m turning Republican.
Yes, I know that comes as quite a shock to some of you, but I’m tired of being on the outside of righteousness looking in. I’ve been led astray by the likes of faker Michael J. Fox, when I should have been listening to the clear-God fearing-voice-of-reason, Rush Limbaugh. I should have been paying attention to Ted Haggard and Republican Congressman Mark Foley.
Why have I wasted my vote the past two presidential elections following my conscious when I could have been participating in the Bush agenda of fear? I should have supported the war in
Realizing how ignorant I am of Republican doctrines and principles I have determined to follow the examples of prominent Republican figures. Last night, before going to bed, I turned off both my brain and my sense of liberal morality. Upon waking this morning I took down the green flag of ecology hanging from the pole on my front porch and replaced it with the Stars and Stripes of nationalistic pride. Neighbors stood on their lawns clapping and cheering me on. It felt good to be a part of something...
Tomorrow night I plan on inviting one of the neighborhood boys over for a candle-lit dinner of dolphin slow-cooked over sequoia. I’m hoping we’ll be able to purchase an experimental amount of crystal meth in the parking lot of a local Pentecostal establishment before heading back to my place for a little bit of family valuing I like to think of as "child rearing". (Gosh, I hope he likes Ronald Reagan movies...)
I must admit to feeling a bit creepy about some of the new changes in my life, however, if this is what it takes to bring me closer to God and make me a better American, then I will suffer through the adjustment period. Give me guidance Karl Rove; please be the beacon of strength and wisdom to me as you have been to George W. Bush.
I must not lose focus of the holy mantra,
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Today, at the bookstore, I was looking through the magazine section for conservative reading materials. I kept reaching out for the Republican Review, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pick it up for fear someone would think I was gay. Oh, if only I had the strength of Dick Chaney and could shoot my left-wing-doubts in the face.
Help me dear readers, help me in my new Republican walk towards the holy light of conservative obedience. Lord, I want to be your Neocon.