November 24, 2006

When Black Friday comes...


Which hormone turns the most timid of woman into the most feral of beast during the official start to holiday shopping known as Black Friday? Have any of you been out of the house yet today? Do you have any idea of what is happening out there? It’s a jungle!

I had to go out for milk this morning, my wife is pregnant and we seem to be going through the stuff like water, so I got in the car and drove to the local quickie mart. As I pulled into parking lot I couldn’t help but notice but how many women seemed to be out and about so early in the day. What could possibly be on sale at the quickie mart to bring so many mothers and their daughters out in numbers like this?

Now, these are clerks I deal with almost daily. They ring up my first cup of coffee in the morning when I’m headed out to work. Sometimes it’s a lunch break burrito and mega-soda in the afternoon. Lately, they give me a knowing smile as I arrive late at night to fulfill one of my wife’s little cravings. They take good care of me.

I should have known something was wrong the moment I walked through the doors and stepped inside. There was a look of terror on the kid’s face behind the counter and he seemed to have an odd twitch in his neck. For one crazy moment I thought he was telling me to run for it and leave the store. I thought maybe a robbery was taking place, but when I looked around the premises every thing looked just fine. As a matter of fact, most of the ladies present seemed to be looking at me with mischievous little smiles on their faces.

As I walked towards the back wall of the store where the dairy case is located I began to experience an eerie feeling. I could have sworn a number of women seemed to shadowing me; as if they were jockeying for position. I dismissed it as paranoia until I opened the glass door of the dairy case and reached in for a half gallon of milk.

Before I knew what was happening, a teenaged girl body-checked me into the glass door and snatched the gallon of milk from my hand. Dazed, I watched as the girl held the lactose trophy high above her head and received a thumbs up from her smiling mother. Some what shaken I dismissed the incident as common rudeness until I reached out for yet another container.

No sooner had I stretched out my arm than a woman appeared as if out of nowhere and gave me an elbow to the ribs. (I think the x-rays will prove it broken.) As I jerked my arm back down into a defensive position to protect myself she stomped on the toes of my foot and nearly brought me to my knees.

Through tears of pain raining down my tortured cheeks I watched as she pointed her finger down at me in derision and said to the awestruck girl standing in front of her, “See, that’s how you do it.” At that moment the horrible truth dawned upon me and I knew I had to get out of the store as quickly as humanly possible.

The next five minutes of my life were among the most harrowing I’ve ever known. As I ran what had become a gauntlet between myself and the front exit I was assaulted like I’ve never been before. I was kicked, clawed, shoved and pushed. I was punched, poked and prodded. One lady clubbed me with a purse that surely must have contained a brick. (She hit me with a wallop so hard it felt like I’d been kicked by a mule.)

Explaining to my pregnant wife why I’d returned without the milk was also no picnic. That’s why I’m sitting in the den now watching college football and licking my wounds. If you are a man, please, for your own safety, heed the words of warning I am about to offer up to all of my masculine readers.

Stay at home and do not venture out into the world!

The stores are not safe for men this day. Black Friday is upon us and the women are out shopping. Believe me; It is more dangerous than you can possibly imagine, for as I discovered this morning, this day does not just happen, they train for it.

Labels: , , , , ,


Blogger Meander said...

you are just too cute! loved your post...

November 24, 2006 3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll gladly drink milk than tap water. Right now bottled water are precious commodity here for brushing teeth and for cooking.
Everyone goes out to shop to prove that financial prophets are right. Never heard of recession. Thrift and savings - what's that?

November 24, 2006 4:32 PM  
Blogger Raghav said...

thanx for the warning, fortunately things arent that bad on my side of the world.

November 24, 2006 6:45 PM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

Heyyyyyy...I am a normal shopper tyvm!! I only tripped a few people today ~Snicker~

Nahhhh, I stayed home, I only went out to Sams club and the grocery store...normal shopping. I may be a woman but I am not crazy! =)

Well, maybe just a widdle ;)

November 24, 2006 7:59 PM  
Blogger Imran MD said...

Take it this way, Black Friday is a day men stay in and watch TV. Let the women shop. It's their right, since they have trained so hard... where's the remote?

November 24, 2006 8:48 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

LOL I didn't get out of bed till 9:15 this morning (and then only because my dad called). I'm still in my PJ's (it's 4:53 pm), and DH is the one who was up at 4 am this morning to be at the big W. by 5 for their morning-after-TG sale. His dad conscripted him to do the christmas shopping for the MIL & our DD. DH claims he nearly didn't make it out alive, and the backs of his calves ARE bruised from being hit too many times by carts being pushed by psychotic, shopping crazed women. My mom & baby sis were two psychotics who were out this morning, looking for mad deals. My middle sis when out to laugh at all the psychos, and my hubby was scared to death to do, but felt he owed it to his dad to brave the stores in search of a couple of fantastic deals.

So, not EVERY woman goes shopping crazy on a day like today! Heck, I'm even making my hubby go to the grocery store for milk & coffee creamer, because I don't wanna leave the house today. ;)

November 24, 2006 8:56 PM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Fridays are already lethal in Atlanta traffic.

Black Friday--well, let's just say I would have rather been a Belfast parking valet in the late Eighties.

November 25, 2006 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Whimsicalnbrainpan said...

How old are you? It took you this long to figure out NEVER to leave the house the day after Thanksgiving if it is at all possible. I am missing a critical girly gene acording to my mother. I hate shopping and wouldn't ever be caught near a store on Black Friday. That is just suicidal.

November 26, 2006 5:00 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I don't do black friday anyway, but if I had a bunch of "ladies" assault me like that, they'd be on the floor. I don't consider myself to be violent, but when assaulted in such a manner, the gloves would have to come off. I don't like rude shoppers or someone grabbing something out of my hands. I did like your story though.

November 27, 2006 11:24 AM  
Blogger DNR said...


That was hilarious!! I am very quickly beginning to regret not reading your posts over the holiday.

Thanks again for the laugh!!

November 30, 2006 5:41 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

View My Profile

* * * *
My personality type?

Friends and Neighbors.

Blog Directory & Search engine

C-List Blogger

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Page by Pixie

Powered by Blogger