When Black Friday comes...

"Touchdown!"

Which hormone turns the most timid of woman into the most feral of beast during the official start to holiday shopping known as Black Friday? Have any of you been out of the house yet today? Do you have any idea of what is happening out there? It’s a jungle!

I had to go out for milk this morning, my wife is pregnant and we seem to be going through the stuff like water, so I got in the car and drove to the local quickie mart. As I pulled into parking lot I couldn’t help but notice but how many women seemed to be out and about so early in the day. What could possibly be on sale at the quickie mart to bring so many mothers and their daughters out in numbers like this?

Now, these are clerks I deal with almost daily. They ring up my first cup of coffee in the morning when I’m headed out to work. Sometimes it’s a lunch break burrito and mega-soda in the afternoon. Lately, they give me a knowing smile as I arrive late at night to fulfill one of my wife’s little cravings. They take good care of me.

I should have known something was wrong the moment I walked through the doors and stepped inside. There was a look of terror on the kid’s face behind the counter and he seemed to have an odd twitch in his neck. For one crazy moment I thought he was telling me to run for it and leave the store. I thought maybe a robbery was taking place, but when I looked around the premises every thing looked just fine. As a matter of fact, most of the ladies present seemed to be looking at me with mischievous little smiles on their faces.

As I walked towards the back wall of the store where the dairy case is located I began to experience an eerie feeling. I could have sworn a number of women seemed to shadowing me; as if they were jockeying for position. I dismissed it as paranoia until I opened the glass door of the dairy case and reached in for a half gallon of milk.

Before I knew what was happening, a teenaged girl body-checked me into the glass door and snatched the gallon of milk from my hand. Dazed, I watched as the girl held the lactose trophy high above her head and received a thumbs up from her smiling mother. Some what shaken I dismissed the incident as common rudeness until I reached out for yet another container.

No sooner had I stretched out my arm than a woman appeared as if out of nowhere and gave me an elbow to the ribs. (I think the x-rays will prove it broken.) As I jerked my arm back down into a defensive position to protect myself she stomped on the toes of my foot and nearly brought me to my knees.

Through tears of pain raining down my tortured cheeks I watched as she pointed her finger down at me in derision and said to the awestruck girl standing in front of her, “See, that’s how you do it.” At that moment the horrible truth dawned upon me and I knew I had to get out of the store as quickly as humanly possible.

The next five minutes of my life were among the most harrowing I’ve ever known. As I ran what had become a gauntlet between myself and the front exit I was assaulted like I’ve never been before. I was kicked, clawed, shoved and pushed. I was punched, poked and prodded. One lady clubbed me with a purse that surely must have contained a brick. (She hit me with a wallop so hard it felt like I’d been kicked by a mule.)

Explaining to my pregnant wife why I’d returned without the milk was also no picnic. That’s why I’m sitting in the den now watching college football and licking my wounds. If you are a man, please, for your own safety, heed the words of warning I am about to offer up to all of my masculine readers.

Stay at home and do not venture out into the world!

The stores are not safe for men this day. Black Friday is upon us and the women are out shopping. Believe me; It is more dangerous than you can possibly imagine, for as I discovered this morning, this day does not just happen, they train for it.