November 25, 2006

Doctor my eyes...

"Boss, the plane, the plane!"

Why can’t the reality of something, just once, measure up to my fantasy expectations of it? I am so tired of disappointments. I’m an old man with not many vital years remaining to me. My fantasies are about all I’ve got left to live for and I’m tired of seeing them lying crushed and broken at my feet. What happened you ask? Well...

Last night as my wife and I are lying in bed waiting for sleep to come she asks me, “Honey, I’ve got to get a new bra. Would you like to go shopping with me to pick one up? We could go out afterwards and have a nice dinner.”

Dear readers, words simply can not convey how quickly a thousand and one Arabian Night fantasies flashed through my hot and feverish brain.

In my very best not-wishing-to-appear-too-eager voice I replied, “Uh, I guess that would be okay.”

“Well, don’t stay up too late playing video games and we’ll get an early start tomorrow.”

Sleep? How could I possibly get any sleep with the scantily clad visions now dancing in my head? Oh, the expectations I had. I’ve seen the television specials. I know what goes on in these establishments.

Would Sting be performing live? Would I wind up in the V.I.P. lounge doing a few “lines” with Kate Moss? Runways filled with gossamer covered angels of heavenly beauty. Would it be just like the pajama party frolics I’d imagined in my youth? Would it be okay to take a camera?

Oh, be still my trembling heart...

How quickly hope dies in the heart of the male member of the human species. I knew the moment we pulled into the parking lot that my fantasies were in serious trouble. There were no spotlights sweeping back and forth across the heavens. There were no limousines dropping off beautiful people at red-carpeted-photographer-lined entrances.

There was a girl with a shopping cart over by the trash dumpsters that could have been Kate Moss. She was snorting something.

Dear friends, this was not the glass and chrome palace of my gossamer fantasies. This was not even the castle of pretty panties and eye candy come true for good little grown up boys. No, this was an industrial factory where the welders of steel combine with the makers of fabric to produce brassieres capable of supporting Mother Earth.

This is where they measure a woman’s bra size by first assembling a scaffold around her belly and then sending a trained team of Alpine climbers to the summit armed with batteries of heavy duty tape measures. It is dangerous work.

I’ve never seen so many pregnant women together in one place...

I may be scarred for life.

I was the only man there...

Why am I always the last one to learn?

There are feminine secrets a man should never know and this is one of them; Fredrick’s of Hollywood and Victoria’s secret are a lie. Real women do not purchase bras from these places. Kate Moss and her cocaine-dental-floss-girthed chippies maybe, but not the women who are our wives and the mothers of our children.

No, they are sent to darker places.

And it is an injustice to these women who are beautiful because of the hearts they possess and the love they pour into our homes on a daily bases. These are the women who deserve the lingere palaces, not Kate and friends.

If you are a real man, like me, do yourself a favor and stay home when your wife goes shopping for under garments. It’s not pretty.

Stay home and watch the television specials or thumb through the pages of that sports magazine and keep your candy-coated dreams alive. Trust me, it’s better for everyone that way.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going up to my room to cry over the loss of another adolescent fantasy.

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Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Just remember: You can only take 3 items into the changing room.

(That's how I got kicked out of Victoria's Secret; so just a "heads up.")

November 25, 2006 1:51 PM  
Blogger green said...

dude you don't know how right you are. well I remember going "bra shopping" with the missus. (Now ex missus btw, but not because of this...)

One time is all it took...

November 25, 2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger Meander said...

yeah i could have warned you about this...shopping for bras is just not all that exciting. just wait until you buy things like a breast pump or nipple guards! oh you are in for such treats!

November 25, 2006 9:47 PM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

Well to be fair here, I am a mother and a wife and I still shop at VS. It depends on a woman's style I suppose.

You were so sweet to have gone shopping with her and I think it's adorable that you still have such interest in what your wife wears. It shows your devotion to her.

Don't scratch away those fantasies just yet, she may surprise you ;)

November 25, 2006 10:10 PM  
Blogger purplestew said...

LOL - isn't it crummy how quickly the glamour can get sucked out of things! Thx for popping by!! You're pretty funny ;)

November 25, 2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger 666poetry-finchnot said...

omg / be thank full yer wife didn't take you vs /

the women who work in there wear
in head sets & circle you like
sharks / / my poor hubby ran for
the door / it was insane / all i
was look ing for was a cotton
under shirt / but the next thing
you know / i've been fitted for
a bra / & i'm stand ing there
w/ 2 of them in my hand

no no no / i had to tell the woman

believe me / it was an intense
experience / even for me

my advice / / meet yer wife
"after" she has gone shopping

don't ask her how much she spent

November 25, 2006 10:32 PM  
Blogger Lydia Cornell said...

You are hilarious! This is one of the funniest articles I've read.
Thank you for posting on my site,
Luv xo

November 25, 2006 11:49 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

ahh, bosom holders - what a delight.
Thanks for stopping by, put you on my list ... you seem enjoy similar paths

November 26, 2006 12:36 AM  
Blogger Midwestern Recluse said...

Dude, that was SERIOUSLY funny! I read this to the special woman in my life and we almost cried laughing.

Thanks for checking out my blog. You're going to get added :)

-- M.R.

November 26, 2006 1:06 AM  
Blogger Imran MD said...

I have accompanied Wifey many times to shop for her shoes, clothes and undergarments.

I survived all those times because Singapore is a safe country. My youthful fantasies are still safe and unscathed from all those dangerous missions.

Guess I am one of the lucky ones.

November 26, 2006 1:12 AM  
Blogger skeet said...

The answer is obvious. Buy her a VS gift card. DO NOT accompany her to spend it: you will not be seeing Kate and friends, or any breasts other than the ones you know so well. When the shopping is done, you will be shown a filmy little sip of fabric that is quite pretty, but does not look like it could possibly be worth the price that was paid. Hold your criticism. It will be modeled for you. You will understand that it is worth diamonds and gold. There will be seduction and your fantasies will be fulfilled. Buy another GC for the next holiday, and the next.

Mahalo for visiting my little spot in the blogsphere. I'm new there. You made me feel good. I'll be back. :0)

November 26, 2006 2:56 AM  
Blogger Lunasi said...

I like your post. Nice style. I'm torn over your ending... on one hand you're scarred by the reality of the bra factory, seeing so many pregnant women in one place, etc., but at the same time you mention how real women are sent to "darker places" than VS and how this is an injustice. So, your personal scarring makes me want to scream some feminist crap about how women suffer with society's expectations that we should look like VS models, etc., and look how men react when they're faced with the 'ugly' truth of our pregnant bodies, while your acknowledgement that we deserve the VS treatment is sweet and appreciated. Me thinks you're playing the field of logic and trying to have it both way, D.S. ;)

And i don't blame you. :) Wonderful humor, sir, and a pleasure to read. I will definitely be back for more.

November 26, 2006 5:54 AM  
Blogger Anoop Varghese said...

Hi, great post! Loved the humor and the eloquence. I suspect you are a serious writer.

My own trip to VS was limited to staring at the mannequins. Perhaps, that is the boundary a male should not cross.

November 26, 2006 10:35 AM  
Blogger masgblog said...

What did they used to call these? Over the shoulder boulder holders?

One rule we have, is that My Sweetie usually stays away from this area. Well, sort of. If it's in a fancy undergarment store, then he comes in. But if it's in a department store section, then he usually opts for Men's wear.

Pest control has not called back yet. No scratching noise today.

Thx for stopping by.

November 26, 2006 12:10 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

You are hysterical. I am sitting here printing, slapping myself every once in a while to stay awake and I start to read your blog. I am awake now and smiling.

November 26, 2006 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Next time just tell her that you'd rather be surprised by what she gets. The mystery may be ruined but at least that way you won't have to endure that experience again.

November 26, 2006 5:05 PM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

I, too came upon the same "wisdom" by a different path--I was selling advertising for a radio station in Lansing, MI that had a strong younger female demo.

I thought a lingerie place would be a good prospect.

I was quickly informed of what should have been obvious--Kate Moss, et al. give the old man "wood" if she and her youthful colleagues are just naked and rubbing Vaseline Intensive Care on her stomach. Hell, they can even not wear deodorant and not brush their teeth that day and we will hit it...

It is the old sweathogs that need strategic cover.

I worked at an Urban station, in other words, and they would have prefered "All Lawrence Welk All The Time."

I guess the reason Lawrence said, "Wunnerful, wunnerful" is 'cause a corset covered all the stretch marks. Au Naturel would not have been as "wunnerful."

Plus, the old hags have more dough to burn at a lingerie store.

But think about it--for the next couple years, anyway, if you were boinkin' Pamela Anderson, you would want THE MOST CLOTHES OFF as possible. If you were boinkin' Bea Arthur, you would make the b!tch wear a REAL FUR teddy, and then gag her with a silk hanky when she started whinin' about her "animal rights activism." (You could even vividly describe how many cute little silk worms had to die to make the hanky that is in her mouth as long as you did not miss a stroke, and she would probably get off on it, because your rhythm stick would be the first non-plastic thing that stroked her clit in the last decade...)

She would be so grateful for your (relatively) young schlong you could wear a vintage lambskin condom and she would be moaning so hard she would forget how to spell, "PeTA."

November 26, 2006 8:23 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

If you ever see a deleted comment it is only because it was an ad. You can say anything you want about what I write but you can't advertise on my site!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday.

Good to see you again. :-)

November 27, 2006 1:40 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Well done, on all counts, dirkster!

It's funny 'cause it's true!

I suspect most of our "fantasies" would prove to be disappointing if they actually came to pass. Best to keep them as fantasies, I say!

Do keep us posted!

November 27, 2006 8:56 AM  
Blogger The Wizened Wizard said...

Someday I must tell the story of going to Victoria's Secret with my 38DD cousin, her wheelchair-bound mother, and a golden retriever; exiting with a water bra, a matching thong and trailing the entire table of 350 sale panties.

You're a brave man, Dirk.

November 27, 2006 9:52 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I've been with my wife shopping for bras. At least she asks what I think lol.

November 27, 2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger Barb said...

Hubby (Mike's Place) was laughing and when I asked him why.. he sent me here :)

November 27, 2006 11:34 AM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

okay-- women who are not expecting do not go to victoria's secret. many other would if their partners gave them a $500 gift certificate, becuse it is just -- well you need at least that much to shop there.

November 27, 2006 12:17 PM  
Blogger Asara Dragoness said...

I tried shopping at Victoria's Secret after I had my first child. Nothing fit, and all of the salesladies were soo busy chasing sales with the thin perky customers, that I ended up leaving, feeling much more sad than I had been before I went in. I hate that place. :(

November 27, 2006 6:38 PM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

LOL..my hubs maintains the illusion and is mezmerized by my bras.

He doesn't believe that I am NOT in a constant state of arousal from wearing said bra all day long.

November 27, 2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Wait until you see the baby come out of your wife. Pregnancy and childbirth make you look at your wife a little differently than before. Some parts lose their mystique when they become functional again.

The good news is that it does get better. And keep telling yourself that after the baby comes out. It does get better...

November 28, 2006 4:01 PM  
Blogger DNR said...


This too was hilarious!! Thanks again for the laugh!!

November 30, 2006 5:42 PM  

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