January 12, 2007

Setting the record straight.

I have been to the mountain
and I have bombed it.

I have just been contacted by a representative of President Bush’s press office concerning yesterday’s post. I have been informed in no uncertain terms that I have misquoted the man and need to correct the offending comments.

I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize for any misunderstanding my post may have created in the minds of the American people. My intentions have never been to mislead my readers in any way or to pervert their opinions of this president with any personal bias of my own.

I hope this will not affect anyone’s belief in my journalistic integrity. After all, mistakes can happen to anyone, just ask George.

Errors and edits.

1. I apparently misheard the president say “Twenty thousand troops” when in reality he was saying “Twenty thousand fruits” are being sent to Iraq.

As it was explained to me, this somehow relates to solving an American problem involving the sanctity of marriage and family values.

I’d say more about this, but frankly I had a very difficult time following the chain of logic and I’m still confused.

(About the issue, people!)

2. I apparently misheard the president say, “Patriot missiles” when he was actually saying, “Catholic missiles”.

These appear to be some sort of religious tract which the president now considers to be an effective weapon in fighting Islamic ideologies since finding one in a restroom in the white house.

Apparently this missile had a profound impact upon the president’s personal relationship with the savor and he is hoping it will prove just as effective in dealing with the Iraqis.

3. As I was informed by the individual who telephoned me, I am simply one more in a long line of Liberal Jihad extremists that must be dealt with in what the president refers to as, “The War on Error!”

Again, thank you for your patience and understanding. I truly hope the rent in the fabric of my journalistic integrity has been repaired and we can continue on as friends.

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Blogger Betty said...

Well, I sure am glad that you cleared that up. I thought you HAD to be mistaken, since Pres. Bush never is and never misspeaks. (How do you convey sarcasm, in writing?)

January 12, 2007 4:49 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

I can't believe you understood that much of what he said! Half the time when he opens his mouth I hear chimp noises. Oddest thing. :)

January 12, 2007 4:58 PM  
Blogger Spoke said...

Good on ya for 'fessing up to your mistakes. However, I still think the man is a tiny-minded, self serving, pocket lining, Mighty-Whitey, pathologically lying coward.
Oh, and a horse lovin' momma's boy to boot!

January 12, 2007 5:06 PM  
Anonymous rosemary said...

First out loud laugh I have had in a long time....yep, those Catholic Missles will do the trick...I've read one. In the words of some great guy or woman...please excuse my language..."___ 'em if they can't take a joke!" And I'm an old broad!

January 12, 2007 5:07 PM  
Blogger C-dell said...

I really like this post. any time anyone uses sarcasim to bring the Bush Administration down a notch it gives me a smile.

I now have a new post on my blog

January 12, 2007 5:12 PM  
Blogger crabcake said...

If you are being forced to post this nod once.

January 12, 2007 5:40 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

You know Dirk, I kinda thought you would get a visit from somebody from the Gov't after that post. I'm pretty sure all the major code words that the NSA searches for while monitoring dissent ... errrrrrr ... terrorists were in that post.

Glad you agreed to play ball and post the correction. I would hate for you to be at Gitmo when hurricane season rolls around again.

January 12, 2007 6:47 PM  
Blogger Crashdummie said...

So you’re basically saying to don’t care if we un-americans misunderstand everything you write? Just checking…

January 12, 2007 9:14 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I respect your attempt to set the record straight. But since the 'correct quotes' don't make any more sense than your previous version, the man's stupidity and layed out before us like fresh manure in the garden. Let's send the man back to the ranch. Surely there is still more brush to be cut.

Oh wait...another option...let's send him hunting with Cheney!

January 12, 2007 9:48 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

I'm sure glad you clarified that post Dirk.

I was really steamed at the self imposed King until I found your corrections.

January 12, 2007 10:39 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Thank you so much for clearing that up for me! It all makes sense now.

January 12, 2007 11:26 PM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

The War on Error. Brilliant! And don't get me started on that asshat, Bush, and further examples of his ineptitude in dealing with this unneccesary war. But I am glad you set the record straight. I sure didn't expect him to do so.

January 12, 2007 11:33 PM  
Blogger notfearingchange said...

dude, careful...you will be swiped away by men in black and sunglasses....
seriously...you can have refuge with me...you and your family...just make it past the boarder...
oh by the way...us cdns are now the "SCARY" boarder...causing much paperwork, buercracy oh and millions of dollars...god can i say it can i "I HATE YOUR ADMINISTRATION"...if you see no postings in the next 48 hours you know that i've been captured. ;-)

January 13, 2007 12:57 AM  
Blogger Pull Up A Chair said...

Haaaa! I love this blog -- It be da bomb...

....It's off to Las Vegas, to check out the lounges, to pull a few handles and have a few beers...

RIP Zappa.... We hardly knew ye

January 13, 2007 2:36 AM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

Wow, a Billy the Mountain fan!

I love ya pull up a chair...

You do know yer Zappa.

em, you have a good idea with the hunting thing...

enemy, thank you for the kind...

January 13, 2007 2:55 AM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Huh? W wants to send in even more fruit? Wasn't the purpose of this mission to ensure that Saddam didn't have any Watermelons, Mangoes and Dates?

I'm sorry, it still doesn't make sense to me!

January 13, 2007 8:18 AM  
Blogger Chief RZ said...

It took me a few seconds to notice your sarcasm and egotism. Now I know a little more about you. Thanks for the visit. Being a communist is not illegal as long as one does not advocate the violent overthrow of our Consititutional government. Being a Libertarian is not illegal either, nor having any other attitude or belief unless you take that belief and fly airplanes into buildings, or blow up rental trucks outside federal buildings. We share a few things in common: Moody Blues, sarcasm.

January 13, 2007 10:01 AM  
Blogger Smalltown RN said...

Thanks for clearing that all up for me...just say it as it is eh?

January 13, 2007 2:26 PM  
Blogger Irene said...

Can your blog be any cooler? ;p

I'll definitely be back! =)

January 13, 2007 3:06 PM  
Anonymous Rose said...

Thanks for clearing that up. Now someone explain to me why when you type miserble failure into Google you get Bush?

January 13, 2007 4:54 PM  
Blogger Meander said...

you are as witty and charming as ever...and a sense of humor is very necessary to diffuse all the anger i feel about this administration.

January 13, 2007 5:10 PM  
Blogger skeet said...

Aha! I knew it! This whole recruiting throughout the blogsphere thing was only the first step in your diabolical plot to gather an army of followers who will assist you in overthrowing the lawful government of our great nation and replace it with ignorant, egotistical, self-righteous prigs who ... oh,wait! That's what's already happened.

Carry on. ;0)

January 14, 2007 3:23 AM  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, What a Great Post!
Ahhh...it all makes sense now.

January 14, 2007 4:49 AM  
Blogger Imran said...

Wow! An outsider looking in... only in America can you speak out as loud as this and not getting any repercussion from the "authorities."

Yes, the situation got out of hand when the decision was made to invade. Tough call for President Bush now.

I wish he doesn't use the word "God" in his political speeches. Politics are dirty.

Should have worked with the world organization before invading when he had the chance. No use being a cowboy and start shooting around anything that "moves." Its a bloody mess... another Vietnam.

January 14, 2007 6:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

George Bush was actually born in Bridport, UK. I am surprised he can stand for President. Also his gaydar posting says he has a huge cock - is this true??

January 14, 2007 7:09 PM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

(Okay, I wrote something this on my own blog ...)

When Bush sez: "Yip, gottem good Sodom Hoosan ... ah heh heh heh ... smoked out all cave style, and freedom is marchin' to Baghdad and on the grow ... ah heh heh heh ... gotta sayin' on the ranch, all bark and no dog like with them bollweevils ... ah heh heh heh ... went all noose style like ... freedom growin' tax cut style ... ah heh heh heh ..."

Some in the media say, "Clearly this is a man of simple eloquence who once again has connected with heartland values and so has shown the rightness of his Iraq decisions."

In truth, Dirk_Star, if I may say so, you would help your own peace of mind if you stop thinking that somehow it's just a matter of getting Bush to see things rationally and humanely. He can't. He lives in his own reality wherein facts don't enter or exit.

It's like rightwing radio or the psychotic Ann Coulter: it/she aren't meant to be taken seriously. It's a joke and should be treated as such. You don't actually 'debate' with them.

January 14, 2007 7:27 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

In response to your comment I did a little researching and compiled the following:

Things To Remember During Pregnancy

Sometimes you've just gotta have rice, catsup, and an egg all mixed together with fried bananas on the side.
Don’t laugh when she is trying to bend down to paint her toe nails.
Remember night time routine will involve several minutes of getting settled in with pillows everywhere to be comfortable.
Going to the bathroom 4 times per night is a "good night!"
A ten minute pause to throw up should not be expected to diminish the mood of a romantic moment.
If it's little, it's cute.
Do not say “not to imply anything but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.
Do not say I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
Do not say "Got milk?"

Something Else I Found On The Net
The Three Trimesters Define:
First Trimester: The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Second Trimester : The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third Trimester: The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

Dirk, Remember always maintain a sense of humor… Even when she grabs you by the neck in the middle of delivering and screams “Its All Your Fault This Is Happening To Me!” And Lord don’t do what my ex husband did when I had my first child…… He stood over me and said “Oh my god its killing her, save her first.” They threw him out of the delivery room.

I am so glad you cleared up the Bush errors. It is clear as mud.

January 14, 2007 8:23 PM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...


Yes, it is true.

George does have a big cock, he calls it Dick Cheney...


Sigh... I'll give it a try.


My wife is already grabbing me and yelling, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

I'm going out of town for the delivery...

January 14, 2007 8:40 PM  
Blogger eddie said...

dirk you never fail to put a smile on my face, thanks

January 14, 2007 11:58 PM  
Blogger Crashdummie said...

Have to agree with your wife, it is all your fault..

although define "all"....

Hey, btw, how come crashed site have been deprived of hippie love?

January 15, 2007 6:39 AM  
Blogger Smalltown RN said...

Hey Dirk...

Thanks for dropping by my blog the other day. Oh poor you and prego wife. You were asking if there was anything you could take to help you get through wifes tears and prego emotions. Of if it was that easy. I think that is natures way of peparing us for all the emotions we go through when little bundle of joy arrives and keeps you up all night. You think this is bad...just wait....

Cheers my friend....have a fantastic day! Happy Monday!

January 15, 2007 8:27 AM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

Sorry, politics is the ONE thing I won't talk about on blogger. I still luv ya though!

January 15, 2007 10:09 AM  
Blogger The Wizened Wizard said...

You are SO in luck! Today - and today only - a gnome action figure will be included (for free!) with each 20-piece bucket!

January 15, 2007 10:36 AM  
Blogger janzjottings said...

Oooh, I see. Being just an ignorant Brit I didn't understand, now all is clear.
And I assume if all the fruits are going, GW will be too?

January 15, 2007 2:51 PM  
Blogger jali said...

I think I'm just too angry to write about the serious stuff very often - thank you for your posts.

Don't forget to tell wifey how pretty she looks!!!

January 15, 2007 3:59 PM  
Blogger Moggy said...

Are you wearing an Uncle Sam Hat?

January 15, 2007 7:43 PM  
Blogger Lizard Princess said...

Lovely....I appreciate sarcasm no matter who it's aimed at! The punnery was quite funnery.

January 16, 2007 12:54 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

Ok, totally OT, but I've seen now in a couple of places that you're making comments about the uglier sides of pregnancy.

May I strongly suggest that under NO circumstances you ever tell your lovely wife that her appearance is less than physically lovely (not to lie horrendously, or anything, but that she'll always be lovely to you, sort of comments).

Case in point, 3 weeks after having our darling daughter (a new pic of whom has just been posted at my house), my clueless hubby dared comment that I needed to get some sleep, as I was taking on the appearance of a crack-addict who'd been strung out for 3 weeks. After I stopped crying, it took several days before I'd even speak to him again. And 9+ years later, I still haven't let him forget that sole comment. (Besides, it's not like he was getting up in the middle of the night, several times a night, for weeks/months/years on end, helping with diapers & feedings, or asthma attacks & nightmares. Nope, he'd sleep through a hurricane, that one.)

Needless to say, a pregnant woman (or a new mom, for that matter) KNOWS she looks like crap, she certainly doesn't need the man who helped get her in that position to point out her appearance.

Just.... Dude, save yourself years worth of apologizing for some dumb-ass comment like that, and DON'T DO IT!!!!! As I said, don't out-right lie & tell her she's as beautiful as the day you met, but let her know that she'll always be beautiful to you, no matter how things look at the moment. It truly is important.

January 16, 2007 3:31 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Dirk, Haven't see you out around the neighborhood lately. Jus thought I'd check in on ya.

January 16, 2007 12:36 PM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

I'm really impressed: The New York Times always puts its Erratum on the second page.

Clearly, you are therefore a more reliable source of news and information...

(Self: Hit "publish" before uproarious laughter makes hitting keys impossible...)

January 16, 2007 4:43 PM  
Blogger Arcturus said...

Maybe a better way to think about it is ... if this utterly and irredeemably lapsed Catholic can phrase this the right way ... in a Christian way. It isn't possible to take on all the sins of and basically infinite number of injustices in the world. By this I mean you needn't take on burdens thru worrying to the point of having it put you in an agitated and angry state. This is especially true over such global things as the Iraq war over which you and I (realistically and honestly) have basically no control.

Only Jesus took on everything -- and look where it got Him in this life.

Perhaps, ironically, this is why it is necessary to adopt a kind of nihilistic gallows humor ... not that you really feel that way, but what's going on today demands it. By this I mean we're living on some strange Parallel Earth where everything is inverted.


The good news is that karma has come around in her ass-kicking way and now we're watching the remarkable sight of BushCo crashing and burning ... it restores faith in the Goodness of humanity and the Universe. But beware: there is nothing as scary as the BushCo syndicate when cornered.

January 16, 2007 6:48 PM  
Blogger CSL said...

Watch out - this is the sort of thing that will have agents appearing at your door or your blog being mysteriouly deleted. Remember, he's a uniter, not a divider. Or he's the decider. Or something.

January 20, 2007 1:21 PM  

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