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March 22, 2007

Momma told me not to come...

Its all fun and games until the lights dim.


There are certain unforgettable moments in everyone’s life where society decides it is time for you to journey forth from the innocent world of childhood and enter the nightmare reality of adulthood. The greater commonwealth of those in charge, the secret Cabal of them, the unholy collective will of those who profess to know what is better “in the long run” for the individual than we do ourselves have mastered a particular educational technique (which they fiendishly employ at critical moments in the growth of living organisms) by which minds are shattered and we as lambs are led into humble submission to the law and unnatural order of society.

What is this horrific and devious technique you ask? Why are you unable to remember being subjected to such a mind altering experience? Let me see if I can refresh your memories and bring to your conscious mind the horrors that will always haunt the deeper corridors of your unconscious psyche. I’ll start with the ladies.

Do you remember those sweet days of youth where life was a celebration of pinafore dresses, Patent-leather shoes and gentle teachers guiding you in the gentile arts of Crayola? The yuckiest thing imaginable was boys, frogs being a close second. Then, without warning came that day in fourth grade. All of the girls were so excited. The movie projector implied a welcomed break from the boredom of grammar and the rigors of mathematics. The lights went down, the film began and life would never be the same afterwards. Oh, now you remember; “The secrets of men-stru-ation; one girl’s journey into womanhood.

Surely none of us have forgotten the Driver’s Education film? It was all fun and games behind the wheel until the lights went down. Who amongst us did not suffer from nightmares for weeks after being subjected to the images of twisted steel, mangled flesh and bloody decapitations? That film alone was responsible for keeping me out of the automobile and riding a ten-speed bicycle well into my late thirties. What was name of that movie? Oh yes, Billy and Susie versus the train.

Until last night I believed my experience with these types of propaganda films had concluded with the viewing of the Venereal Disease classic, Billy Loses His Gun during Marine Corps boot camp just before our first leave. My penis still shrivels up and quivers in fear every time I recall any of the pus-filled-ulcerated-bleeding-sore-images-of-rotting penile infection that brought an entire squad-bay of leather-neck-dealers-of-death to our collective knees retching in horror.

The evening began like any other of the birthing classes. The women were reclining in comfortable pillow filled lounge chairs while we the men sat at their feet in the full lotus position chanting our mantra, “The uterus is our friend, and our only concern is the welfare of the mother. This is about our wives, and not about us.” Everything seemed completely familiar and comfortable until the lights went out. That’s when the film started; Susie Gives Birth-the Directors Cut.

Ten minutes into the movie most of the men in the room were flopping around on the floor like fish out of water with their eyes rolled back in their heads and mewling like wounded kittens. Just before swooning and falling to the floor myself I seem to remember the female instructor shouting something along the lines of, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Things get a little fuzzy after that, but I will try my best to report the incident as clearly as I remember it happening.

As consciousness slowly began returning to my shattered mind I was greeted by a sight that will forever remain etched upon the cave walls of my masculine soul. In the darkness of the room, illuminated only by the flickering images of the birthing process upon the movie screen stood the instructor, her head thrown back, arms swaying slowly back and forth above her head as she spoke in a language known only to women since the dawn of time. Our wives danced in a pelvis grinding circle around the men lying at their feet all the while waving breast pumps high above their heads in a frenzied celebration of victory. They were singing an ancient song of fertility the only lyrics of which I can recall went something like, “My hump, my hump; my sexy lady hump...”

Then next thing I remember is the lights being back on and sitting up with a cold towel draped upon my forehead. The instructor was handing out D.V.D. copies of the film we’d just been subjected to along with instructions on how to use it if any husband began forgetting his place. It was then I truly understood; the party is over...

Tonight, while certain bastards enjoy the meaningless cavorting of young men throwing balls through a hoop in something called The Big Dance, I think I will enjoy a quiet evening at home with my wife enjoying the movie, Love Story. Tomorrow I will follow my wife’s suggestion and see just how much my PlayStation II and video game collection will bring in at the yard sale towards the baby’s college fund.

31 Comments:

Blogger Jay said...

Hey, is that movie available on NetFlix?

The part is indeed over my friend.

March 22, 2007 3:17 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

It is the dawn af a new era.

LOL! I remember seeing a film of a woman giving birth in my biology class. Two guys passed out and the rest turned pasty white. We women just sat their and laughed at their weak asses.

And you guys dare to call us the weaker sex? I think not!

March 22, 2007 4:05 PM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Suzie Gives Birth would seem to be the "anti-porn."

March 22, 2007 4:38 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Dirk, this may be the funniest post I've ever read. Perhaps the fact that I've gone through three rounds of pregnancy/birth classes/delivery make it so much more real and funny. Funny cause now it is YOU and not ME! LMAO

And I must say, it does seem that your growing up is just a series of images merging into one giant nightmare. All that is left for you is the horsemen of the apocalypse.

March 22, 2007 4:45 PM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

Jay, pray to god this movie is only available in birthing classes.

Whim, I have no remaining illusions about which is the weaker sex. As long as women can survive the things I saw in that film, they are the man!

Zen, I may never use my penis again...

em, I hear hoofbeats on the horizon...

March 22, 2007 5:05 PM  
Blogger SQT said...

Oh the joys of first time parenthood.

Dare I say wait until the real thing?

The funny thing is that I don't remember Lamaze classes helping all that much. Those "give me drugs!" moments are all too real. But it is different when it's your kid. Thank goodness.

March 22, 2007 5:33 PM  
Blogger notfearingchange said...

not the videogames! HOLY CRAP....damn.....that sucks...
oh and by the way - hmmm...you shouldn't hold the baby upside down to make them stop crying *shaking head* no, no good.

March 22, 2007 6:58 PM  
Blogger tkkerouac said...

Love you blog layout, Pixie did mine too, come take a look!

March 22, 2007 7:13 PM  
Blogger bluegrrrrl said...

I'm dying laughing out here in California!!! Honestly, I cannot imagine ever willingly watching that film. Or a live birth, for that matter. And I'm female. Had I been in the room, it would have been a race to see which of us passed out first.

thanks for stopping by my place...always nice to meet a new friend in the ethers!

March 22, 2007 8:09 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Hmmm... seems like it's all been said.... "the real thing" will be pretty intense...

Just remember to breathe. ;)

March 22, 2007 8:24 PM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

Oh, Dirk my friend, it sounds like you will need that ocean vacation and Pina Coladas galore after the real thing...the best is yet to come!

March 22, 2007 8:31 PM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

You look sooo happy holding that baby upside down! *Gulp* =)

March 22, 2007 8:43 PM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

I remember the driver ed movies with all the messed up bodies. Halloween was way scarier.

March 23, 2007 12:35 AM  
Blogger The Future Was Yesterday said...

This post brought a flood of memories.... When we had our first child (30+ years ago), males weren't expected to be quite as "liberal." My wife wanted me there for the delivery, and we both had to plead our case to our Doctor. So he finally said ok......

There were no classes then, certainly no videos, only "read this thoroughly." I'll leave out the rest, except to say I relieved myself of my (hospital) lunch, which wasn't that good anyway, in the first five minutes.

My wife "handled" the birth of our second child, and told me about it!:P

Thanks for dropping by, and thanks for the laughs!:)

March 23, 2007 1:08 AM  
Blogger KSHIPPYCHIC said...

Oh man... catching my breath.... you made me laugh soooo incredibly hard!! Heeheeehee!!

March 23, 2007 7:57 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Dirk
I feel your pain.
DO NOT GO TO THE BREAST FEEDING CLASSES.

When I went to the birthing class, I got in trouble by asking the nurse: "Have you ever pulled a baby's ears off with the forceps?"

I didn't have to go back after that

tv

March 23, 2007 11:03 AM  
Blogger Dirk_Star said...

Thomas, damn I wish I'd thought of that...

March 23, 2007 11:28 AM  
Blogger DNR said...

OMG!! Hilarious post!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!

March 23, 2007 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Ordinary Janet said...

You have crossed over to the Other Side. Bye-bye, have a nice trip!

March 23, 2007 1:11 PM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

LMAO.....our movie was lame. As was the class.

We sniggered through most of it.

The only interesting thing..and scarily foreboding was the lesson about a vacuum removal!

You ain't heard nothing till you hear the sound of that sucker (literally) popping of your kids head while he remains firmly stuck!

The faces of my dh and my mom and my best friend will forever be etched in my mind as will that sound be in their nightmares!

March 23, 2007 1:36 PM  
Blogger C-dell said...

oddly enough I remember when the girls got the menstration film. It was in 6th grade. All the girls were talking about it. Us boys never got a film. I do remember the driver's ed film.

March 23, 2007 1:57 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!! OMG I was SOOOO glad when my mom wanted to be my labor coach. Ironically, my dad was in the delivery room for MY birth, my daughter's birth, and my niece's birth, and has never once passed out. (Instead, was taking pictures that made me want to pass out, post-labor.) When the time ACTUALLY came, DH retreated to the "en suite" bathroom, and hid while my mom & one of the nurses (as well as the nurse midwife I had) helped me through the actual delivery.

Nope, few & far between are the men who are ACTUALLY strong enough to not feel faint & lightheaded at observing a labor. Then again, I'm not exactly signing up for Doula training courses, either. ;)

Glad you survived, and glad you now know your REAL place in the heirarchy. ;)

March 23, 2007 8:59 PM  
Blogger TutleyMutley said...

good lord. What do they teach you over there.
I teach my class the mantra
"Saggy Baggy Floppy Fanny".
Um. maybe I shouldn't have owned up to that one.
Ach, it'll all be worth it.

March 23, 2007 11:13 PM  
Anonymous www.nolanotes.com said...

Here from Crunchy Carpets. My hubby and I start birthing classes in just a few short weeks, and yes, there will be a film. Thanks for the warning--I'll slip out for popcorn just as the lights dim.

Great post!

March 24, 2007 6:34 AM  
Blogger sarala said...

Ah but have they told about how she will attempt to hit you with blunt objects, call for her mother, and tell the doctor she's changed her mind and doesn't want a baby anymore?
Also don't let them convince you in Lamaze that epidurals are for woosses.

March 24, 2007 9:01 AM  
Blogger I think you're crazy just like me said...

oh LOVELY!! Great morning laughs here, from a lady who has FOUR kids all drug free. Thats why I am laughing.

momma told me not to come...hehehe indeed.

Hey man, you'll do great. Mine did, He got VERY wobbly in the kness for all of em, but he hung in there.

March 24, 2007 10:57 AM  
Anonymous skeet said...

Hee hee! Now you are truely a man! You know your place and will forever remain in awe of the almighty vagina!

March 24, 2007 2:09 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Okay. That was priceless..... may write more when I can stop laughing.


Thank.....you...

March 24, 2007 8:53 PM  
Blogger Crazy Working Mom said...

You poor, poor dear!

You'll make it though some how...*giggles*!

My hubby squished himself in between the head of my bed and the wall so he could not see a thing "down there". Then the nurse asks, "do you want a mirror?" I say, "YES!" Then she rolled a full length mirror to the end of the bed so I could see and he turned as white as a ghost! *LOL* Sweet revenge...

March 26, 2007 3:40 PM  
Blogger Pepper said...

I tried to warn you! Giving birth isn't for sissies.

I was never shown that film in fourth grade.... I did ask my mom "where did I come from?" She bought me a book on Neanderthal Man. It didn't answer any of my questions but I learned not to ask her anymore.

March 26, 2007 11:46 PM  
Blogger polliwog said...

This is very funny stuff. Great writing!

I gave birth six times by the way.

:-)

(here via crunchy carpets)

March 27, 2007 12:17 AM  

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