March 17, 2007

There must be fifty ways to lose your lover...

"Come quick Obi Wan, my wife has grown as big as a Death Star!"

Dirk's top ten list of things never to say to your pregnant spouse.

10. Uh, every outfit you wear makes you look fat right now.

9. I've still got my old combat boots in the basement, do you want to see if they'll fit?

8. Is this going to happen every time you sneeze or did your water just break?

7. Who are you calling lard ass?

6. Honey, of course I still love you. Just not in a physical way right now.

5. Oh my god, I think your navel has grown a penis!

4. So, just how many hours after the baby is delivered does the belly swelling go down?

3. Great, this is the last time I ever let our Net-Flix membership expire.

2. Are you sure I'm the baby's father? These ultrasound pictures don't look anything like me at all.

1. Responsibilities as a father, what responsibilities as a father?


Blogger Pepper said...


I have to share this with my son who, like you is expecting a youngun in April. This is to funny.

March 17, 2007 12:23 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

May I give you my number 1 post-partum "do not say" suggestion?

3 weeks post-birth do NOT tell your wife she looks like she's been strung out on crack for 3 weeks.

No, I still have not let the DH forget he said this to me, and it's been 9-1/2 years since he said that. *wicked grin* I milk it every time he gets a bit sassy in front of friends. ;) The glares from the women, and the "OMG, DUDE, I cannot believe you'd say something like that" looks from the men, usually makes him squirm. *BWG*

March 17, 2007 12:25 AM  
Anonymous skeet said...

Oh, goody! Dirky has come out tot play!

Bet you know that each of those is forbidden territory because you tried them on for size, right?

Your answer to every question regarding how you see her or feel about her: "You are the most beautiful woman in the world. I've never desired you more." Your answer to everything else: "Yes, dear."

You seem good-humored and light-hearted again. Dare I hope this means that you are getting more rest, which would necessarily mean that Felicia is getting more rest, which would also mean that the stress levels are dropping off for both of you? I hope so. :0)

March 17, 2007 12:41 AM  
Blogger C-dell said...

Cool list #6 I would have thought was obvious. Did you really say these thing to your wife? I have heard of the tempers that Pregnant women have.

March 17, 2007 12:45 AM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

11. You've done nothing but sit around all day! Get up and grab me a beer.

March 17, 2007 6:03 AM  
Blogger Citymouse said...

12. Is it okay if my mom stays with us permantly after the baby is here? You know, just to help out the way she does.

March 17, 2007 6:03 AM  
Blogger Wizened Wizard said...

Ah hahaha! How about, "Honey, remember that time we saw a hippopatamus at the zoo?..." or maybe my daughter's comment when I was about eight months pregnant with her brother: "Gee Mom, you really have short legs."

March 17, 2007 6:31 AM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

When I was pregnant, one guy (not my husband) told me I walked like I had an eighty pound ass. How's that for flattery?

March 17, 2007 8:06 AM  
Blogger Em said...

If you've said even a small percentage of those, we are surprised you can still walk upright!

March 17, 2007 9:10 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Umm, here's one... If she decides to breastfeed, no "moo-ing" sounds. ;)

This was a running joke in my family.

In response to your comment though, you have no idea how wonderful a ride it is, and no matter how many people try to tell you what you might be in for with a new child, nothing ever prepares you!

Every hour of every day I'm amazed by something she does! Good luck to you!

March 17, 2007 9:44 AM  
Blogger Bardouble29 said...

If you by chance let one of those slip out, be prepared to duck and run...you would be in some big trouble.

March 17, 2007 10:59 AM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

wait till the after baby arrival list of no no's.....

Hon isn't babies women's work?

Men aren't supposed to take care of them, for women it is instinct...like housework!

What do you mean you're not horny? You had the baby 3 days ago!

March 17, 2007 11:26 AM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

A freind of mine's doctor actually said this to her when she was pregnant: "My God are those hemorrhoids or do you have a piece of cauliflower stuck up your butt?"

March 17, 2007 12:40 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Oh come on now. I don't see how any of those things could be taken in a bad way at all. I'm sure she would see those in the loving, caring manner in which you would mean them.

March 17, 2007 1:52 PM  
Blogger Metal Mark said...

I was nervous when my wife was expecting. Nervous because the due date was the same day as the Super Bowl. Fortunately the baby came four weeks early.

March 17, 2007 1:55 PM  
Blogger foam said...

and here's a few tips on what not to do in the delivery room....
don't start reading magazines
don't glance towards the tv if it is one. it is strictly there for pregnant spouse purposes.
don't yawn and look at your watch.
so, what if it takes hours and hours and hours and hours..
thanks for stopping by and visiting..:)

March 17, 2007 4:04 PM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

I agree with Foam. Also, don't do your mother's taxes in the corner wilst your wife toils away on the birthing table.

March 17, 2007 7:45 PM  
Blogger Craig D said...

Whatever you do, don't say, "EPIDURAL? WE DON' WAN' NO STEENKEENG EPIDURAL!!!" in the delivery room.

March 17, 2007 9:24 PM  
Blogger notfearingchange said...

oh boy..please tell me you have not said those things...

and if you did...how did you escape to be alive?

and don't say you out-ran her....cuz i'm sure she's smart enough to trap you and kill you when you're not looking.
And people wonder why i am still single! ;-)

March 18, 2007 1:50 PM  
Blogger Aileen said...

So,what enquiring readers want to know is how many of these gems you learned a lesson by growing a 3rd foot in the rectum region?

March 20, 2007 1:58 PM  

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